Be Comfortable

In the 9th grade, my shoe size went up to size 14. I was still about 5'7 at the time so it looked absolutely ridiculous. Every pair of shoes I got looked like clown shoes. Aside from just the outward appearance, there were other issues with my rapidly growing foot that made life more difficult. As some of you may know, most shoes that are released only come out in stores up to size 13. This also coincides with the early stages of my sneaker obsession so being a size 14 really limited my options and made it more of a hassle. I also feared that my foot would continue to grow. In 6th grade I went from a size 8.5 to an 11. By 8th grade I was a size 13. So I ultimately made one of the biggest decisions of my life and decided that this had to stop. I didn't want my foot to continue growing and I didn't want to live the life of an "extreme sizer" forever. So I backtracked. I forced my shoe back into a 13, much to the dismay of my mother who refused to embrace this decision and viewed it as you probably do, incredibly stupid. She said that she wasn't going to be a part of me deforming my feet and if I wanted to wear size 13 shoes I had to buy them on my own. So I did just that. Eventually it got to the point where she stopped bothering me about it, my feet stopped hurting and shoes weren't such a hassle to obtain. I did what I wanted to do, even though it made no sense to anyone else. And everything worked out for me. This drawn out, tangential tidbit is about more than just me defying the laws of nature for some sneakers. It just goes to show that at the end of the day, you have to do what makes YOU happy. You can't base your decisions on other people's opinions or desires. You have to live for you. You're the only one that has to/gets to live your life. At the end of the day YOU are impacted by your decisions more than anyone else is. And YOU are the person that is left to deal with the downfall or reap the benefits of whatever you decide to do. And in no way does that mean to completely disregard anyone else's advice. There are certainly people that have your best interest at hand and you need those people. If you're not listening it's impossible to learn. It's just vital to keep in mind that no one is as familiar with your heart as you are. You know what makes you happy, you know what you desire. Go get it. Along the way you'll learn that some people won't support it or be thrilled with it, but that's okay. You'll make yourself miserable trying to please everyone else. Like a defense that's facing Cam Newton, it's important to look out for number 1. Yourself. "If you never follow your heart, you're sure to lose your mind" - Trey Songz (on a Fabolous track) So take this and apply it to whatever it is that you want. Whatever it is that makes you happy, do it. Do what you've gotta do to be what you've gotta be. It's your job to make you the best you that you can be. You can't be at your best if you aren't happy. "I've gotta feel alive even if it kills me. Promise to always give you me, the real me" - Drake ... Be yourself. Love yourself. Live yourself. Find what you love and give your all to it, in all walks of life. You deserve it. A wise man once said "And be you that's when it sounds be-you-tiful" - Cole... So go ahead, squeeze your foot into those size 13's. You may be surprised at how great it feels. Be you. Be comfortable. 

#BeComfortable2016 

Dear Me, I Forgive You

I still haven't healed from my first heartbreak.

 I still think about it every waking minute of my life. I still haven't forgiven myself. I can't wait until the day basketball stops being on my mind every second of every day. I can't wait until the day I stop doing involuntary dribble moves with an imaginary ball through everyday settings. I probably look crazy. I just can't wait until I finally break free from this hold that basketball has over me. 

I still haven't healed from my first heartbreak... It just continues to get worse. No one understands how truly devastated I am and have been for years about basketball. I try not to talk about it. The worst part about it is being asked by strangers and even people close to me on a daily basis. Everyone wants to know if I play basketball. I'm asked multiple times a day, everywhere I go. I can't escape it. And every single time it hurts, no less than the time before, as I put a fake smile on my face and say 
"no, not anymore." 

That's normally followed by some variation of "oh wow but you're so tall, you're still young. You have to try!" Even customers that can't speak English tell me I should be playing basketball. The other day in Chipotle a cop said to me "God looks down at you and shakes his head in shame for you wasting all that height." He said it in a playful manner, didn't stop me from dying a little inside. It may seem like I'm being dramatic but just imagine having an ugly fallout with your ex and being asked about them everyday for 4 years by people you don't even know. 

The pain doesn't come from them asking though. No, the pain comes from my anger and disappointment with myself for being in love with something my whole life and having everything in front of me yet amounting to nothing. The pain comes from the fact that the end of this month will make 4 years since the last time I played a minute of basketball that meant anything. The pain comes from failure. 
And then I thought to myself, as always, about what this must symbolize. I thought about how this goes way beyond just basketball in my life. There are so many things I'm unhappy with myself for. So many areas in my life where I have failed miserably to reach my potential and how my anger at myself is what seems to keep me from moving on. 

Instead I end up inviting that pain to cut me even deeper. It isn't healthy, nor is it productive. 

If you're angry with someone you care about, your relationship won't progress while you're harboring those feelings. Same goes for your relationship with yourself. So I've decided to forgive myself. Or at least try to. A new year seems to be a good time to do that. If you're reading this you may want to as well. I'm not saying forget, just forgive. There's some area of life where you've let yourself down. Stop dwelling on it, you're not helping yourself. You're stuck on it. Forgive yourself, move on, and take the necessary steps toward improving so that you can begin to see some results. Chances are you're harder on yourself than anyone else could be. You have to learn to forgive yourself. Ever wondered why it's so easy to give advice to someone going through something but so hard to figure out your own problems? 

When you're in a stressful situation it's like a maze. You can't see the way out. Other people have a bird's eye view so your problem seems much more simple to them. If you stay in that maze beating yourself up for being in that maze, what progress can you possibly make toward getting out of it? Let it go, focus on trying to see that Bird's eye view. Find a solution instead of focusing on the problem. Forgive yourself, that seems like it may be the first step. 

Three things that keep me going: I am not where I want to be, I am not where I once was, I am not done... I forgive you, me.   


Don't beat yourself up... #ForgiveYourself2016

                   - Swaggy T

Follow Through

I can't whistle. Never could, and at this point I'll never be able to. It's never bothered me or anything. Didn't have any significant effect on my life. I got through 21 years just fine without it. I didn't even realize I couldn't. Until the other day at work I was ringing up a customer and he started whistling. Suddenly I thought back to when I was that 7 year old kid who wanted so badly to be able to whistle and would always ask people to teach him. They made it seem so simple but I just couldn't grasp the concept. So I gave up. Whistling didn't even cross my mind at any point afterward. Fast forward 14 years later and here I am a 21 year old standing in front of this customer and I still can't whistle. Something I once wanted so badly was just completely gone and given up on, to the point where it no longer matters. You're probably thinking this is incredibly trivial, and you're right. But to me this meant so much more than whistling. It's like I was having an epiphany in this moment standing before this customer trying to keep a smile on my face as I thought of all the other goals, dreams and desires I let slip away because they didn't work out the way I wanted them to when I wanted them to work out. I missed out on way more than being able to whistle. So many times I've had a desire to do something or develop a craft and just completely discarded the thought of it because it didn't work out. And then I began thinking about how there's no way I'm the only one. You're probably already thinking as you read this about something you once gave up on too soon. A lot of us are only satisfied with instant gratification, not everything works out that way. Blessings wear disguises as if everyday is October 31st, so you won't always pick up on them immediately. We've talked about shooting your shot, in all different areas of life. The importance of taking chances and doing what you want to do. But if you ask anyone who's ever played even a little bit of basketball, the most important part of a shot is the follow through. That also applies metaphorically. What good is shooting your shot if you don't follow through? If you want something, it isn't enough just to want it. Follow through and do what it takes to obtain it. Don't be so quick to give up on something or talk yourself out of chasing something you want because it doesn't work out right away. Or 14 years will pass you by and you'll realize you still can't whistle. You'll never win the title belt if you throw in the towel in the first round. "Find what you love and let it kill you" -  Charles Bukowski... in other words "What we gon do? Do it to death" - Busta Rhymes

Sometimes you just have to jump in the water like you aren't afraid to drown, that's essentially how you learn to swim. So whatever it is that you do, actually do it. Stop making excuses, stop giving up, stop putting it off. Embrace it head on. I don't really have a New Year's Resolution because I never follow through with them. So one thing I plan to work on this year is following through, that way I can be in position to actually have a resolution next year. It just feels like I've tried and wanted to do so many different things and I've done absolutely nothing. So many ideas and desires with nothing to show for it. As I get older, time seems to be moving faster. 2015 was the fastest year of my life. It's time to stop trying and start doing. A wise man once said "I've gotta make a move, I've gotta do this now. If they don't know your dreams, then they can't shoot em down" - J. Cole ... So shoot your shot, and leave your hand up to make sure it looks pretty for the highlight reel. You're more likely to have something to show for it if you follow through. Go get what you want. Contrary to what you may have heard, If You're Reading This It's Not Too Late. Another wise man once said "Water you waiting for?" 

      

- Swaggy T