Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Spreading My Wings In A Popeyes Visor (May 13)

I'll write it here cause if I don't then I just can't remember. Flow out of this world, I'm in the Game with Ender. Wizard flow, uncovering secrets through every chamber entered. Hogwarts, I became a member, by spitting flames and embers. My loved ones, they'll change up never. The game of life, every season we'll remain contenders. Through Thunderstorms we couldn't change the weather. But what goes around comes around. To ball, we must remain untethered. I had to get outta the storm, call me Reggie Jackson. Because I can't change the things that
already happened. But I'm in tune with my future. About to relocate, every move is so crucial. It's never Too Late, If You're Reading This I salute you. I appreciate my drive cause I was stuck in neutral. And it's only real when the love is mutual.

My apologies, I paused for a sec. Had to head to the swoosh to pick up a check. Then made a deposit I couldn't direct. Lady at the ATM apologized for taking a while. Then said the Heat could use me tonight as I was making her smile. Dude at the gas station asked my favorite superhero and it didn't feel right. I realized that all my heroes are people in real life. Had a conversation with Jalen, that's nothing new. Constantly dreaming for the days they'll be coming true. I married the pen, he caught the bouquet. As long as we have tomorrow, I can get lost in today. And now they're seeing that I'm not the same. I'm painting pictures, they are all displayed. You see me when I talk this way. I'm in the whip and I just crossed my lane. So my thoughts are strained. So many lines in my head I think I lost my brain. So many directions I wanna go with this, fear that I won't get back. You hear my mind so clear, you feel when I get distracted.

Distracted but now I'm back in. Trying to choose a path and, let my mind take me to heights I couldn't imagine. Speaking my mind and exposing my heart. No joke, him? That's Noah and he's close to the ark. Because I'm taking off. See this is a God journey so I pray as I walk. My uncle's up for parole in September and I pray that he walks. I want to buy my parents a crib and then just pay their crib off. Then turn around and do the same for my grandmother and Aunt. I'm thankful for the day my mother married my pops. They created two of me, my little brother is Shaun. He's following my footsteps, my job's to make em good steps. Made a few promises to myself I wish I would've kept. But back then I wasn't me, I was wearing disguise. And the mirror wasn't clear in my eyes, cause it was blurred by the tears in my eyes. Peep his style, yeah it's clear that he's fly. Showed you the demons in my closet now I'm showing you my family ties.

I showed em the light, now they understand that he's bright. Off the stroke of the pen I'm tryna have my family right. Get my family set from time that I spent planning these checks. Things are working out but I ain't planning to flex. Writing out of this world, like yo what planet is next? Freestyling I ain't even planning what's next. S/O my girl, I ain't answer her text. But I'm sure she'll understand that I was lost in my mind. I started writing and got lost in my rhymes. Then I lost track of time. Then I met with some people it was my fortune to meet. Great vibes, word to Norkis' tweet. Got so lost in the vibe that I stopped writing this rhyme. This ain't a word but I feel like they had the likest of minds. Hearing my thoughts shared by those I'd never spoken to. So before I said a word, they know I spoke the truth. Don't know if I can reach the masses but I'm sure I can try though. S/O to anyone with RNF in their bio. Let's focus our todays on a better tomorrow. Dwell on the hoorays instead of the sorrows. Rather get my own, I've always hated to borrow. This food for thought, the plate's kinda hot yo.

Yeah I'm heating up, rhyming as the tweets go up. Gave my secrets up just to prove to people that all we need is love. Jalen just told me take this rhyme as far as I can. Sitting in the Lex, & I'm writing again. Through these sentences I give life to the pen. Life sentences, these are eternal bars. Coming off the top of the dome like a turban scarf. I have no clue where I'm going but I'm the truth when I'm flowing. I worked on my jumper, now I'll shoot cause I'm open. I'm creeping up on the game, the refs worried. I once pump faked now I shoot like I'm Steph Curry. Speaking so clearly that when I write I talk to you. Shoot your shot, all you've gotta do is follow through. S/O to Oz, he taught me to. He's a wizard but this ain't no yellowbrick road. As you can see I'm getting better with flows. You know it if you've read what I wrote. I tried to tell em once but now I'm getting to show. The world is mine, yes I'm destined to blow. They used to question the flow. Now I know they hear me cause they put my message in quotes. Passion burning like when you get to the roach, you can study all the lessons I wrote. I didn't ball cause I ain't mess with the coach. S/O to God he's fueling my dreams and blessing my hopes. None formed against me shall prosper so I'm not worried when the weapons approach. Some weapons are "friends", some weapons are foes. Some weapons are far, some weapons are close. Once they see you on your feet they'll try to step on your toes. I wish I could make it stop but that's just how it goes. Got on my feet, now I've gotta step up. And show them how to spread love. So they can see our generation's next up. This time is ours and we're wasting it, things we've become complacent with, we really need to make it quit. Stop with all the hating shit. Ain't cursed in a written in a while but I had to say it. Wanted to make the picture clearer so I had to spray it. Windex bars, man I'm the greatest. But back to this picture, watch as I display it.

Painted a few pictures for you before, it's a new day. Picked up my check then killed Brendon in 2k. On my day off I got paid at work. Came back to the crib and knew today was special when I changed my shirt. Create inspiration from limitation, catch me in this tee all summer. Because it's everything that I'm trying to be all summer. Reached in the H&M bag and found some sweatshorts I didn't recall copping. Popping tags, clothes newer than a ball dropping. Simple shorts, simple tee. Word to Shaun, this is me. I'm painting a picture, focus if you didn't see. Should I rock the Popeyes visor? Duh Shaun. I can pull anything off with these Air Max 1's on. You see the growth, heart as wild as my hair. You can't see my eyes, but know they're far from my fears. White Nike socks, okay I'm stopping it here. I painted the picture for you now I'm dropping it here.

                                                                            - Swaggy T

                                                  

Why Am I Driving To Orlando On A Tuesday? (May 17)

Feeling like the MVProdigal Sun, I'm Steve Nash in this. So now they see he's shooting my shot, and he's accurate. My crossover has been said to resemble Steve Francis'. Once upon a time I made some prayers, and he's answered them. Great CROSSover, now I'm living through Christ. Things were going wrong cause I wasn't living too right. But now that I walk with him I see no limits in sight. 6'5 yes I'm really that height. The flow is mean, yes I'm really that nice. He once felt left out but now he really can write. I once got left because I didn't hit right. But now my shorty's in love with the rhythm I strike, the pen. Personification, yes I'm giving it life again. The flow sick like it don't take its vitamins. Not on tour in France but on the track I am cycling. Less than 15 minutes away from seeing my girl. 15 minutes of fame from seeing the world. S/O the growth, it's looking like an angel peed in my curls. Driving through a pool so I'm deep in a whirl. Whoa I'm a genius, see? My girl's about to get some bread and she knead the D o-u-g-h... Oh, u-g-h... Oh-you-see-h? That -u-r-t. I'm posting classics, got like 2 RT's. Dog on the beat, I'm the new Bark Lee. Cause I been chucking for a minute and I ain't got rings. It's ruling everything around me but I ain't got cream. I've got classics in my head, they've just not been seen. I swear the tape is a movie, I just gave y'all screens. But the series is going backwards, I'm at war to be star. Jalen wrote 40 days, we got closer to the ark. I couldn't pull up from 3 but I got closer to my shot. Climbing with the trees got me closer to my thoughts. Climbing with the trees got me closer to my God. I'm thinking clearer cause he showed me what I thought. And I see what's in store cause he showed me what I bought. He put an angel in my life and then he showed me what he brought. Cause I had one last lesson, and he showed me that she taught. I had one last lesson, and the course was on my heart. School can't grade that, "Shaun don't say that" but my mic spins wheels, I think I'm Pat Sajack. Can't stress about those bad grades that I can't take back. I owe my parents so much money, I'm gon pay that. Double it and triple it, show out like a nipple slip. I paint a picture, point to 5 and I could let a nickel flip, cause now I'm taking chances regardless of who's missing it. Committing lyrical murder regardless of who's witnessing, speaking about my heart regardless of who's listening. Let my thoughts cruise regardless of who's shipping it. Lord protect my barber regardless of who's clipping it. I see the window open, I'm praying I do slip in it. Before he even knew it, Jalen producing this clip. Just a part of the movie. Now I spread love, cause my heart is improving. Far from a God but I'm a prodigal human, and if they keep up with the product they view it. If you keep up with the blog, you're a viewer. I love you, just want to Thank you, so much for watching this movie, I'm giving it to you for free cause I don't know how to repay you. Painting pictures of me and then hoping that I displayed you. God saved me, and then used me to help him save you. Life's a test and the answer is love, and to remain true.  Nothing makes you appreciate clear skies like the rain do. And nothing makes you appreciate joy, like the pain do. I told you that the beat was a joint, and then I showed you that the beat would anoint. Trying to ball with the pen so I showed you he had a point. First and third person, showing you that he had to point, to the mirror like that twitter meme, like boy you gon make history. I guess I'm writing a social studies book. Only classes I liked in college were those social studies took, what I needed from those classes never studied books. Still got A's in those classes, cause it was about the mind. Studied Socrates, wrote scriptures about that find, but I wasn't painting pictures at that time. Studied Socrates, wrote scriptures about that find. Watched The Secret and said it's about that time. Studied Socrates, wrote scriptures about that find, but now I'm painting pictures through these rhymes. With pen I am telepathy, cause I can paint a picture with my mind. No tricks on that pink penny board but I'm gifted with my grind. Now I'm becoming used to the things I once didn't think I'd find, and yo I swear that I could do this forever. Cause this here, it can only get better. Behind bars with the pen, wrote spectacular letters. Became pals with the pen, wrote spectacular letters. My girl a grown woman, don't ask if I let her. The answer is twitter, don't ask how I met her. Ain't much not to like, you just have to respect her. Don't ever forget it, you have to remember. S/O to the game I mastered with Ender, I'm the future so I'm past the pretenders. And if you know the story that's a classic entendre. Bars colder than Alaska in winter. My grandmother so sweet, gotta pass her the Splenda. I want to get my aunt a crib like at least move back here for Winters. And I don't call enough but hope she knows that I miss her. And my mom's trying so hard to learn to let go, but I hope she knows I'm still holding on. Please understand that even though I'm never home you're still close to Shaun. Right here on my heart, right here on my mind, Write here in these rhymes. Right here all the time. This was the best response I could come up with to your text this morning. I'm writing this and I already wrote my next recording, it's going backwards so the day before is next in order. So now I'm showing you my dreams in an inception order. But the series is going backwards, I'm at war to be a star. Started this song yesterday while I was in the car cause God set it up for me to come to Orlando. Originally ignored it until 5 pm I got up at random. I was getting outta pocket, I scrambled. Flow wavy I'm getting lost in this channel. If they don't see the flame spitting light, here, toss em this mantle. I break it down, yes I often dismantle. Addicted to music like I'm sniffing keys off the piano. The beat is cheese that's hitting Keys with no piano, it's got holes in it. Because I take aim, in an effort to break pain. You see, I spoke my heart every time those breaks came. Everything happens for a reason, there are no mistakes made. 2 years from now I wonder what they'll say this tape made. But I can already say that this is such a success, to help even one person overcoming the stress. To help even one person understand that they're blessed. To show em my happiness and let em know that they're next. If You're Reading this, just know that you are the best, at being you. Nobody compares to you. I cried on your shoulder but I shed those tears for you. Funny how I grew mine out and now I'm here for you. And Pac's gone now, so if no one cares, I do. swaggyspeaks loud for you if nobody else did. Cause Swaggy T's proud of you if nobody else is. You really followed my story, you really followed my heart. You watched as I paint these pictures you really followed my art. This letter's so long, did you really follow this far? I kept on raising em, did you really follow those bars? I kept on praising him, to let you know I followed my God. And the way I learned to do it was to follow my heart. Love is the answer, love is the woman who taught me to take my chances. Love is the grandmother that beat that cancer. Love ain't a question, it's The Answer. Crossed over, that's an Iverson flow. Flow sicker, still ain't worried bout its vitamins though. The pad's my vest, I saved my life with the flow. You see I bled onto it so I could give em life with the flow. I think the beat is gone, are you following still? Now I'm getting off pace word to Solomon Hill. I wrote a bunch of movies while I was plotting for mills. Can't move to Cali yet cause I'm tryna live on top of the hills. These are Hollywood dreams off some mighty good schemes. I found my Coretta Scott so I write like a King. Call me the sports journalist, with or without a beat I write for my team. 4th quarter of this track, I'm getting hype for my team. Fruits of my labor getting ripe for my team, flow Ultra like the light of that beam. Married the pen, and now you watching us dance, this is the proper romance. I know I gotta thank God for the Chance. She played blessings this morning as she got ready for work. It hit me like a sermon, like he read it in church. He doesn't even know me yet he said what I'm worth. It's been a while since I was stressed so no my head doesn't hurt. Had to say goodbye to some friends and it hurt, but now I'm writing the story and I'm trying to make the ends I prefer. It already happened but you'll see it next up, read about graduation week, read about love. Read all my thoughts flowing and see when I lost Chloe and the flow so cold, you'll see that it starts snowing. And I really bleed for em, they see that my heart's flowing. Cause I finally introduced them to me, they did not know him. That's first and third person, I love the way Shaun's growing. They see that I'm on a mission, I think I can go the distance. This gift (w)rapped is my medicine, Jesus wrote the prescription. Trying to spit the type of rhymes to make Jesus a better Christian, impossible. Doing what they told us not to do, see my goals when I once just saw obstacles. Trying to turn impossible to I'm possible by simply just kicking a rhyme or 2. Didn't believe that I was a genius but really I just had to find the proof. Now that is something these rhymes can prove. I love you if you're still reading this far, cause you're thinking yo somebody sign this dude. Shooting my shot, trying to be at the finals instead of stressing when my finals due. Tweeting way less and it's kinda cool. Cause I'm behind bars so I write to you. In my notepad I get deep into my mind, but I wrote the next 3 posts on your timeline. They were coming off the top, they were just freestyles. I was holding onto Graduation Week meanwhile. Started writing in my head and wondered why I couldn't write it down. Didn't stress, I knew that I would write it, just not (w(r)ight(ite) now. A couple gems from yesterday's storm, I did not write down. I'll scroll to the top and hope they come right back now. I post these, but turn around. I don't quite back down. I fell asleep for about an hour and lost the pen. But now I've picked it back up, I'm on again. You're talking to Shaun again. Tryna eat but I don't have a key so I ordered in. Treat that double bacon pizza like the beat, slaughter it. That line was hard to me from the moment I thought of it. This is way more than a 16, word to Stojakovic. Found a game changer and we on the same Peja. Got it right this time I was foolish to claim ________, she shall remain nameless. Screw it her name's Deja. Now I'm out the game like I'm standing with Craig Sager. Now I know my whole heart, no more fragment pieces. Now they see I spoke art, they see my master pieces. But I didn't get my bachelors and I am not a bachelor. No need to associate with any woman after her. Can not see her as my ex, I'm done taking algebra. I've been studying the way of the world since I went to Africa. Let em talk but never let them say what you're worth. Anything is possible, that's the key to the earth. How many years? Almost 3 that she curved. I hate school but I woke up and saw my favorite teacher to work. Chance was spitting Blessings, she was getting dressed then, couldn't decide on a top and asked for my suggestion. Looked at em both and said I think I like the red one. The girl I spent years looking for I'm standing right here next to. And I'm standing still in awe at the pants she just stepped into. Walked her to the door thinking wow she's just so special. Then she grabbed me for balance to fix her sandals. Mom you asked what she looked like, I couldn't describe her to you. Like everything else, I'd rather just write it to you. As for everyone else, am I more than a writer to you? I'm playing with words, am I more than a rhymer to you? Spitting flame, am I more than a lighter to you? I hope through these words some day I inspire you to, chase the things that you aspire to do. To get to drive from neutral. Follow your heart, and know your mind is crucial. It's never Too Late, If You're Reading This i salute you. I had to find producers, I am the rhyming hooper. Flow sick these rhymes I threw up. Thankful that I had grew up. My homies stay down so all of us boutta move up. I know we'll get it one day, catch me at SpeakEZSoFlo on Sunday. The perfect model and the prototype, I am on the runway. Take Off sounds like I wrote it last Monday. Two fools almost flew to Cali on a one way. That would've been doomsday. Hopped in the Benz to Orlando on a Tuesday. Said to the lady at the rest stop, you probably see some interesting things around here. Her response scared me like I could be dead and found here. She had the type of voice that said "None of your kind allowed here." Came back to my car afraid cause that state trooper's no longer out here. Then my mind crept into my wild fears. Like what if he got on his radio and said "Men, keep your eyes peeled for a black male in a red Benz." The story I told next time, that's blackmail in a red Benz. Double entendre, hope you get the message. So now I'm driving to Orlando and I'm almost stressing. Because for some reason they treat us like we've all got weapons. "And since I'm black at night, I keep my head on a swivel for them flashing lights. I'm off the hash, but I ain't tryna get tagged tonight."  Driving in the rain had to pause to keep the pen safe, I really used the rain to make a beat on Wednesday. I give em love cause we need in the worst way. Understand I'm living everything this verse say. I must admit, I've become superb with this wordplay. Epiphany at Fran's graduation on a Thursday. I woke up to shoot my shot, I used to wake up to watch First Take. The next day I had to work, had to get back on the highway. My girl graduated from the same school on a Friday. And that night became Chloe's goodbye day. Bittersweet, that goodbye taste. Cause she ain't acting but I bet she gon be lit up on Broadway. Ain't cut for class but I ain't chilling in hallways. I cardiac arrest these rhymes, yeah I kill em in broad day. And I'm investing time, so I'm spending it all ways. They couldn't grade my heart, I'm giving it all A's. This verse so long you'd think it was written for 4 days. But it's been like 4 hours. These flows will record louder. I had to focus my drive, check out my horsepower. Guess that means I'm on a ride. Yes them demons fought and tried, yes them demons fought my mind, yes them demons clawed my eyes. But they've been defeated and swept outta the closet, these bars go over sight so I guess you can call them eyelids. Focused on my drive and less worried about the mileage. Focused on my rhymes and ain't worried enough to hide it. I wrote a letter to myself so real I had to write back. Wrote one of my best verses in the NikeTalk chat. Wrote freestyles on twitter that spanned 10 hours. The world is my Office, call me Tim Halpert. A couple of days ago I told you it was a new day, then killed Brendon in 2k. While thinking I'll probably tell em about tomorrow in 2 days. Putting on a show this is a movie, but on Blu-Ray. They gotta see I'm painting pictures now, I gave em new frames. I just paint these pictures to show the things that the pen say. For the first time I woke up with my Woman Crush on a Wednesday. The same one that helped me to heal, she help me medicate. Because I know that she holds me down, she's helped me levitate. So wavy I set sail, I'm Captain Sparrow to it. If you forgot the picture I painted I'll point an arrow to it. ------> How many years? Almost 3 that she curved. I hate school but I woke up and saw my favorite teacher to work. Chance was spitting Blessings, she was getting dressed then, couldn't decide on a top and asked for my suggestion. Looked at em both and said I think I like the red one. The girl I spent years looking for I'm standing right here next to. And I'm standing still in awe at the pants she just stepped into. Walked her to the door thinking wow she's just so special. Then she grabbed me for balance to fix her sandals. I must admit I haven't always been this romantic, but I'm painting pictures the flow is candid.

                                              -Swaggy T


Saturday, April 30, 2016

What Would You Title It If It Were A Blog Post (Friday)

I swear I hear "I just wanna build liberated islands" AND "I just wanna feel liberated iiii" every time. And ever since I've been trying to find out how Kanye made words do that. And I'm gonna figure it out. It's resulted in a lot of experimenting. You heard it if you listened. With words I paint pictures so you heard em as a vision. Now you see it? Listen up, cause the story's picking up. Not gory but this is blood. A clot, it's sicker stuff. The plot has thickened up. I paint a picture of myself, I let you see me. Then I bring that picture to life, I write in 3D. Drowning in my own mind, you see the flow is getting deeper. Losing the thoughts in my head, I can't control enough to tweet em. It's like my phone is not receiving. Adam in my mentions, I can't scroll enough to tweet him. It's like my phone is just off, I go and I start. I stop when I start. I start in my head, and stop at my heart. So as I sit up on this couch feeling like chicken, fried and baked. Laughing at seeing Jordan doing the Jordan crying face. I decided it was kinda safe to find out where my mind could race. To focus the attention for the little bit of time it takes. I rock, I'll give the bombs a break. I rock like when diamonds break. I rock, when my mind goes blank, and I really have my mom to thank. I rock like when time is saved, like getting the one you told "you will be mine one day". I just love having the ability to rhyme this way. That's something I don't often take the time to say, my mind is great when I concentrate. I show you my mind, I write a play. I write to say that this ain't bragging this is something that I have the right to say. Cause I really didn't even plan to write today. I'm just speaking in a writer's way. Letting my thumbs show them all the things my mind would say. But it's like my art is signed away. I'm giving my heart to people I once didn't give the time of day. I mean just look, I'm giving rhymes away. Because now when something is on my heart, it doesn't fight to stay. Anything I have on my heart, I have the right to say. And anyone that is in my heart, I can not replace... I told you I'm putting on a show, every single part is played. Every role played a role, every single plot that changed. Had some ups, had some downs. I was like the stock exchange. Had some love, had some clowns. You can guess which bonds remain. Stock exchange, bonds remain... CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHAUN IS SAYING? Can't you see his blog displayed in tweets as he writes this way? Can't you see his blog has changed? Can't you see his rhymes insane? Can't you see the happiness really is all the conquered pain? Can't you feel these things his mind didn't know his heart would say? About how his light was once dim although he shines like a star today. Lost myself in my heart, man just stick to the fun Shaun. I could pull anything off with these Air Max 1's on. I told you this is a play, now I'm on the scene. In the Sonata with Dre and Darren like August 2013. Now we're in the party, Darren's surprise. People that knew me then no longer see the fear in my eyes. But let me wrap this up and get back to the real world. Painted a 3D picture, my pen made you feel words.
                                                                   
                                                                                   -Swaggy T

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Sorry Mom (And Dad)

They weren't connecting with the kid, but then they switched over. Cause I gave em my whole heart, and the leftovers. I gave em all the things in my head that I stressed over. I gave em all the things I had once been depressed over, the things from the time where I couldn't have sex sober and I didn't have a home so I couldn't have friends over. The things about where my money was funny, like dam my ends over. The time where I was influenced by Cole selling that Range Rover and the happiness that I explained by telling them "yo that pain's over". My homies down to earth, we all moving on the same orbit. My homies travel minded, down to kick it through insane borders. That means even if things get Messi, we will remain forward. That's a striker flow, she never met another like me bro, but she's feeling what I'm striking though and she feel it a little more every time I strike it yo. Man I'm talking about the strike when I'm writing flows. With the strike of the pen, dam I'm writing again. I know dam well she'll like it again. About them days she might be a friend, and I'm praying that she's still around cause I know dam well my life will ascend. Upon this gift my life will depend. A life that I once wanted to end. But I swear I won't want that again. And since embracing the real is crippling my will or want to pretend, I'm sorry mom, I be smoking blunts with my friends. Now before you run up in my room acting out this movie's next scene, please hear out what I was building while waiting on y'all to catch me. Didn't know who would catch me, thought it'd be dad first. But you be thinking I'm drinking and yo, alcohol's mad worse. Never took a hit til college, and I looked up the facts first. Cause I had seen what drugs could do, saw ________ go down that path first. And I know that troubles you, I'm so sorry, cause that hurt. And you're gonna talk to me but you're gonna call dad first. Gonna call him from your office like you don't care that he's at work. And say "I couldn't believe he just put it in that verse." But you be thinking I'm drinking and yo alcohol's mad worse. Never took a hit til college, and I looked up the facts first. Pen game on lock, but I'm packing the password. Sorry I got distracted by how I ended that last verse.  Accidentally wrote the next verse in my head, I think it's on my mind again. 2:42, I still got a lil time to spend, it's much safer for me to smoke than to drink heinekens. Lost myself in the conclusion, 3:11 I finally find the pen. Jogging my own memory, running through my mind again. The verse I lost in my head, man here goes nothing, here goes something, so real it leaves your ear buds buzzing. These bars have become so raw, you can feel one coming. I didn't lose myself, just had to stall with the pen while I scrambled to recover what was lost in my head. So when you'd say please don't ever do it, it would hurt way too much. But it's not a gateway drug, it's the only one I ever touch. I'm not out here experimenting just to be obnoxious. I did extensive research for this, I was supremely cautious. I don't take any chances, I never even trusted adderall. I highly doubt you're gonna read this and not be mad at all. But if you look you'll see it's way less harmful than alcohol. So in a way I hope that you're relieved when you find this, cause you were under the impression I was drinking and driving, that's much worse. Don't really care much for alcohol, cause the fun hurts. And then before it ever gets better it must become worse. I've been writing this letter so long that I think my thumbs hurt but please understand I'll always take care of your son first. No rash decisions, moving with mad precision. There's no disaster hitting. I'm thinking safety first, I promise no crash collision. And even though I've gotta go, I can always come back and visit. I went from being unable to see, to now I have a vision. How ironic I went to church, and now I'm on a mission. It hurts to tell you but it was hurting more to hide how I'm living. Coming home afraid to even turn on the light in the kitchen, walk up the stairs light as a pigeon. Or in the car waiting to be sure you're asleep, so I write as I'm sitting. That's been a very productive writing position. (If you don't understand that now, you'll get it right at the ending) I knew I would tell you, but I thought you would ask first. Pen game on lock, Mary gave me the password. I see more clearly and write better on those days. And believe it or not, it's made those headaches go away. Now I'm free to dream and focus on better days. Been free writing way too long, I'm focused on getting paid. That little girl inspired me although I forget her name. Beyoncé ain't the only one to make millions off Lemonade. But look mom, I love you. I'm sorry if you don't like this. But the longer I didn't tell you, the more I felt I was lying.

Life is chess, you're my queen. I can not replace you. I know that you're concerned with how my blog portrays you. You gave me life and a great one, I can not repay you. Remember when you said you couldn't wait for the day I saw that I am greatness? The best part of this letter is "Look mom, I made it" Cause I just had to tell the truth, that I am not an angel. But I can assure you that I am not in danger. You gave me life and a great one, I can not repay you. That's why I'm sending this to you before my blog displays it. Because if you just say the word, I will not display it. So if you're reading this right now, you owe my mom a thank you. I'm on here directly telling my mom about things I never even tweeted. So everything I speak, you know you can believe it. Right now I'm giving you my heart, that's why you know I'm bleeding. Posting things that I want to delete before they're ever seen. Because of what I said to my mom, it might set a scene. Her busting in my room door, letting out a deadly scream and punching me in my head so hard, that my neck would scream. Telling me "boy get out my house," quite aggressively "You think that you gon be up in here disrespecting me? Just the thought of you doing those things is vexing me." I'm sorry mom, I'm getting way too comfortable with the pen, you see. But I can't stop myself cause I'm trying to write my legacy. Right now I'm giving you my heart, that's why you know I'm bleeding. Done with the part that was talking to my mom, now it's you I'm speaking with. You can trust me but you can't tell me nothing cause apparently I've completely lost my ability to keep a secret. You can trust me but you can't tell me nothing cause I wrote a whole song about what was going on as I was playing Sequence. You can trust me but you can't tell me nothing, cause you just read the moment that I told my mother about the weed clips. You can't tell me nothing, now the rhymes are getting more egregious. Real humble kid, but I've been feeling like my writing's genius. You can't tell me nothing, bars are colder than precincts. You can't tell me nothing, your woman crush in my recents. You can't tell me nothing, I'm telling you all my secrets. Once I told you how many, so many will try to read this. See the secrets, they just ride with the wave, I make it flow well. Gotta go way back to catch em, like Odell. My only fear was that I'd run out of secrets. Like Trump voters, I told 12. And still there's one of those secrets I'm praying I won't tell. Cause if I told it right now I don't think it would go well. 3 AM in the Benz, okay I guess it's that time again. The blog posts got more organic when I decided to rhyme with them.
                                                                  
                                                                        -Swaggy T

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Shoulder Pad

I'm playing my cards, in need of a deal. Couldn't formulate what I was thinking, now I speak what I feel. As I look back upon a time where I needed to heal, cause I wasn't hearing the things that I needed to hear, in a time where I would write, but no beats would appear. The time I didn't feel like anybody needed me there. Where only my fear of suicide was keeping me here. Normally avoid this time in my mind but lately creeping in here. Yeah lately I've been visiting pretty frequently here. Every time I open this closet there's more demons in here. Cause every time I come back, there's more secrets in here. So I get em off my chest, now they're secrets to hear, they once clouded my head, now they're seeping through ears. And I swear every time you hear me speaking this clear, another demon disappeared. "Kept my talent locked away in my closet with all those skeletons and demons but they won't stop it. A genius that had to sell his clothes at Plato's Closet."

I'm spilling way too much of my heart, it's like my nose bleeding. I was just treading water but then the flow deepened.

Paused here to write a part of the next verse, yeah I'm gambling,  I'm on a tangent and rambling, dam my thoughts are too loud. Let me get back to the first thing I was talking about. Where only my fear of suicide was keeping me here. Where I just wasn't as happy as the tweets would appear, and my parents weren't around me so my peeps weren't aware. The only love that I could feel would have to be from my peers. See the year before that it was Tyaire, Darien, Brendon and Shaun. But this semester Tyaire, Darien and Brendon were gone. And I didn't know I needed love so I wasn't looking for it, when the kid ain't have a home and there was no home cooking for him. And even when he locked himself away in his room for 4 days and there was no one looking for him, until Darren, Dre and Devontaye burst into the door, saw them demons and took him from em. In case you're wondering about the gamble I took earlier I paused here. That's why I'll always love those guys, yeah that's my squad there. Because I know without them, I am probably not here. I swear they'll always be my brothers, even though I'm not theirs. Had a talk with my mom about the bonds a frat tears and I just couldn't help but cry and think "it's really not fair". And now it's starting to seem like they really do not care. They may never even see this, ain't reading my blogs, dam. Feeling stumped as the Greek family tree leaves me in a logjam. I slipped back on the tangent, aww man. I just did a thank you in 3D, oh I can't believe I missed her. Became more than my best friend, forever Francesca is my big sister. Cause there was a point where the only time I'd ever feel love was with her. Currently drowning in tears, it's really deep for me. Cause when I couldn't find a home in my heart, hers would beat for me. I love her forever, we ain't blood but I know she'd bleed for me. One of few people who didn't birth me who would do whatever I need for me. When I didn't have a ride to get food, she was feeding me. And that's why she deserves the world, she's a queen to me. While I'm talking about this time, the people and what they mean to me, I'll scratch the surface of a friendship that's way deeper than it seems to be. Dam, I'm crying again. I'll get back to where I left, becoming right with the pen, through the things I write with the pen with no strike of the pen. Sitting behind this canvas and painting my life's image. I'm forever with the pen, every bar is a life sentence. Off track, did it just cause I, now where was I? I'll scratch the surface of a friendship that's way deeper than it seems to be. I'll love him far beyond the days we have kids of our own. I'll never forget the nights I cried to Chris on the phone. And told him about how I felt like I was missing a home. When everything I was doing seemed like I was doing it wrong, he was one of very few people that would listen to Shaun. When I was writing about my pain, he would listen to songs. If I tweeted something dark my fingers could count how long it took him to call. That's love, love I didn't know I was looking for. That's the love I was granted but didn't know I took it for. And when it comes to granted I'll always feel like I took her for it. Sheli was one of 3 people at home who knew that something was wrong and she's up next. Back then I ignorantly reduced her love to "she's obsessed" but when I locked myself in my room, stopped tweeting, ignored calls and my inbox she felt my stress. Didn't even follow him at the time but she needed someone to check on me so she hit up Chris. And as I think about that time I get so upset because she had a big heart, it was double X. She was kind and I was stupid. I tear up as I remember that she cried when I reduced her. But I think now she finally understands that at that time, I would've ruined her. And if you didn't you just read the words Sheli, it's set in stone. She's the second description, I said there with three at home. Now at this point we had fallen off a little, communication wasn't too strong. But she only had to talk to me once cause at this time she really knew Shaun. Ended up telling her I felt like my parents couldn't love me, and she replied "they do Shaun. They would never stop loving you because you don't do well in school Shaun. No matter how down you are they'll never give up on you Shaun." But that was around the time I thought they wish they had a new Shaun. They built me up perfectly and I didn't pan out, they can't redo Shaun. I guess I have something in common with that other chick after all, I blew Shaun. But stick to your guns bro, don't become a new Shaun. You're getting off track. Remind me, what were you on? Ahh yes, Ashley. She hates me, loathes me and gets mad at me. But way back when, she had it bad for me. Since then, love she's always had for me. Sometimes I feel like she's bad for me, my mom says we act so dramatically. But still have that bond where if she's at the crib I don't tell her to leave so my dad won't see. I know that I try not to brag on these but I'm feeling like this is a masterpiece. But I can't stop here, haven't covered enough, let me add a piece. See the year before that it was Tyaire, Darien, Brendon and Shaun. But this semester Tyaire, Darien and Brendon were gone. But Dre was my guy from the jump, that was my homie. Our bond is realer than rap, never phony, so anything that I ever give him, he doesn't owe me. See housing was full, and I was mortified. He told me not to sweat it and told me his dorm was mine. The 5th roommate in a room where there were only 4 provided. They treated me like family so we were all excited. But I knew I was a burden even though they all denied it. Though they never really showed it, I knew they all would hide it. It was the elephant in the room when they all were quiet. They treated me like a roommate, it was such an honor yo. At the time where the one thing I was looking for was home, as I was stuck on that waiting list. On those late nights when I didn't have keys, Dre gave me his. At the time where the one thing I was looking for was home, when I needed people around me to feel I was not alone. Dre, Dani and Josh taught me that handshake no matter how far it goes. Getting things off my chest, now my heart is exposed, but I've gotta open up to put my heart in these flows. On a tangent once again, it's like I start then I go. Let me take you to a time where I was locking a door. See I went up there with nothing and no ride to the store because my parents kept my whip, I couldn't drive anymore. Didn't have keys to anything, a dorm, a room or a house. Then Dre and Q12 let me spend two months on their couch. And I've gotta write about shorty, I really can't forget her. She was popping and kept me on my toes like a blister. That bond we shared is spoken by way more than words can show in that picture. I realize things got way worse after I dissed her. Because she was my left hand, I cut her off then my wrist hurt. But to this day no matter how far we fall out I'll always tell Marissa I miss her. Okay so now I'm locking doors, I've got the key to an apartment. I thought the storm was over, this is when it started. I felt so dependent and so isolated. You hear that combination and you could see why I'd hate it. See back then Darren and I grew close quickly but now I'd seen he was legit. Cause he'd find a way to my crib even though neither of us whipped. Because he wanted to, it was by any means for him. But looking back I think it was because he knew I really needed it. But he never knew the extent. Nobody ever did. Ben and Andy did the same thing, I remember it. But if you don't tell em they'll never know how much it meant. That time without them, man it wouldn't have been too safe, countless hours sitting on the couch, playing 2k. On those long nights, they helped me make it to a new day. You'll never know how much you helped me, yeah I'm talking to you Taye. You went from a kid I hooped with with the funny accent, to exactly the friend I needed. It's like it was magic. Realized what was going on and started giving me rides daily so I wouldn't be alone and perpetually isolated. But nah it wasn't magic, I know it was God's placement. I locked myself in my room, but you didn't allow me. Started bringing everyone over because I needed people around me. I was drowning in the deep when you found me. And that's why the love for my team is so real, because they showed me love when that was all I needed to feel. Even though it seems they're fading, I'm just keeping it real. They were the bandage of brothers at the time I needed to heal. It's not even their fault, I just happened to leave. So the things that happened to them never happened to me. And in addition I can't forget Jarrett and Steve. They all helped me escape a time I couldn't imagine or dream. When I locked myself in my room and I was trapped with my screams. I didn't know I was looking but I had the love, the more demons I subtract, the more everything is adding up. But too many tears are falling so I think it's time to wrap this up. I finally found a shoulder to cry on, I wish the pad could hug. I was at my weakest when I was acting tough, but now I'm strong enough to realize that I don't have to bluff. I said there were three at home, what a neglectful mistake, just realized about that time I first connected to Wave. And I know that it's real cause she hasn't left to this day. And that goes for every name I dropped, they're why that pain had stopped. They're all still around, even if they're not around. My spirits seem to be lifted up every time my guard is down. Still in my heart, even though they're not in town. I think some of em are aware that they changed my life, but they didn't understand that they saved my life. 
3 am in the Benz, tears leaking, my eyes closed. Looking back on those dark times at Florida Gulf Coast. Been sitting in this car for hours, where did the time go? I'd say this isn't a rap, but look what do I know? The rhymes became more organic once I wrote them as blog posts.

                                                                                   -Swaggy T

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Note to Self

What's good bro? Long time no see. Feels like I've known you longer than I've known me. We don't speak, but your memory is what's driving me. I see you got your first whip, that's a nice 03. Heard you finally built the courage to defy Coach P. And that hoop nightmare left you trying to find your dreams. Just know it'll be okay. Don't cry, don't scream. Even when you're on Elm Street it's not your final scene. But if you're looking for a role model don't keep your eyes on me. Because you set a bunch of goals, and I missed them all. You thought you found your calling, I missed the call. You gave your heart to the game and still I didn't ball. I'm one of very few people who knows the real you. All the chances I passed on, I'm so sorry I failed you. You were on the right track, now I've gone and derailed you. My first semester of those college classes, I failed two. I'm not the hooper you could've been, nor the student you should've been. I'm so sorry I wasted the time you were putting in. I promise I'd go back and do it right if I could again. But life just doesn't work that way, game with no rematch. I'm sorry you'll have to live through the pain that I've rehashed. I was trying to ball like Swin but couldn't see Cash. You were going for it all like running a fly route, I turned around and went home on the way to that D1 tryout and I'll never forget, I just hope you forgive me. I love you so much, you've got both of my kidneys, no matter how much I grow, I know you're within me. But I wasted your gifts, nothing but coal through the chimney. You're gonna go through some tough times, listen when I tell you now. You were looking up to me, sorry that I let you down. You were born a young king, sorry that I missed the crown. You were reaching for the sky, I'm sorry that I hit the ground. You should've been in the game, I'm sorry that I'm in the crowd.

You say long time no see, for me that's not as true. It's been a long time since we linked, but I've been watching you. That's real love. I've got your kidneys, you've got my heart in you. I know you didn't finish all the things that I'd start to do. I know you didn't always get it done when you had the option to. You said you'd come back and change it all, this is me stopping you. The past is the past, leave it behind. You gave me your point of you, now let me give you mine. I love you exponentially, a tear has begun. Like the Power of Zero, understand that we're One. And I'm beyond proud of the man you've become. Maybe you don't remember, I did things that were stupid as hell. I'm honored that I can see a bit of you in myself. Yeah I had some hard times, but they weren't too rough. I look at you in the mirror like "Thank God I grew up." I've been with you the whole time, so I really can see. You say you let me down, but you're a hero to me. Your positivity changes days, minds, and lives. That's already way higher than I had strived. Don't allow modest perceptions to blind your eyes. I wanted to die once and now because of you, I'm alive. You say you put me in those tough times but it's because of you that I survived. I thought I'd never make it back, but through you I've arrived. Because you managed to do away with that childish life while still never aborting the child inside. I love you for that. You've got a gift, I love when you rap. This is def poetry, I hum as I snap. Like buying a new home, you fell in love with the pad. And I pray you write until the day your thumbs aren't attached. Opposable. Oppose the fools who couldn't see the most in you. You said you wasted my gifts, but I see a multitude. You even found the ones I hadn't uncovered too. You were there for me in times where I didn't know what to do, cause you look out for me and my little brother too. I know you've got love for me, cause you love my mother too. And you look at my father like a superhero too. But on those days that he couldn't save, I'd go to you. Thanks for being the big brother I didn't have. Thanks for wiping away my tears when I was really sad. Thanks for helping me smile on the days I couldn't laugh. I'm not even tripping over those classes that you couldn't pass. Failed college algebra, but I know you're good at math. Addition by subtraction, got rid of people that wouldn't last. If they're meant to be around, I know that God'll put em back. 5 years later you're still in touch with shorty that got me started writing. So I know well that those who matter will stick around, that's the way that life is. I appreciate the friends you brought me and I love em cause they're special. With each and every one I think about the day I met em. All the main characters in the story of my life started out as extras. But back to you. I remember your misery, and now you're a happy dude. There's no doubt about it, it's clearer than Absolut. You wear your heart on your sleeve so there's nothing you have to prove then you share it with the world like tossing an alley oop. You've changed a lot of people's days, a few people's attitudes. A couple people's lives became different after you. A few people have been inspired, I saw it happen too. And you weren't even trying, it's just the automatic you. I see you touching hearts doing what you're glad to do. By just following your heart, while remaining rational and that's a balance too. You've found your purpose so now what you want to do's what you have to do and I can't understand why you apologized I ain't mad at you. On the contrary I actually think you're magical, to be able to reach people solely with the way you carry you. 20/20 I see it clear with no contacts in. You reached people I never thought I'd come in contact with. So how can you say you failed me when you showed me the real me? When I couldn't find a home in my heart, you gave me realty. You put your arm around me at a time where no one could feel me. You listened to me cry at a time where no one could hear me. I can't accept your apology, cause I don't know why you said it. I owe you more than forgiveness, I'm forever indebted.

You've gotta learn yourself to teach yourself. You won't know you if you never meet yourself and if you don't keep in touch, you'll never reach yourself. If you don't look within, you'll never see yourself. And if you don't know the whole you, how can you complete yourself?

If you don't do it, it will not happen. Every single line has rhymed and I'm still not rapping. Wrote it like there were two of me. But it's just the younger me, speaking to the newer me. To Whom It May Concern, a letter to myself. Every single day I live, I'm bettering myself. Wordsmith, words sick but they're bettering my health.
                                                                         -Swaggy T ft. Shaun
                                                                  

Friday, April 1, 2016

Victor or Victim

I had quite an interesting month of March to say the least. Jam packed with ups & downs. Situations some would envy, circumstances some would pity. I started the month off by having the tire of my old car slashed by an angry stranger in the parking lot at work, and ended the month having my new car tampered with by a disgruntled former associate, in the very same parking lot. Funny how things come full circle that way. But I'm getting way ahead of myself here so I'll backtrack. At the start of the month I found myself in a new situation with what I guess you could call a special friend. Things were great. As the month went on, things got progressively worse and it was a strain on me as I watched my friend turn into a completely different person and the situation grew incredibly toxic. Our friendship suffered because there wasn't much to hold onto, I simply couldn't do it anymore. It sucked, because the person I started the month with was completely gone, so it felt like I'd lost a very close friend. By the end of the month all contact was cut off.
At the start of the month I found myself in a familiar situation with a car I'd grown tired of. No pun intended. I upset a lady in the parking lot on my way to work by taking the parking spot that rightfully belonged to me. A day later while driving home I realized that my tire was flat. She cut it. I had to come out of pocket with money that I'd been saving for a new car to buy a new tire for the car I was tired of. That was incredibly frustrating. Shortly after, my situation turned around. I got a new car and immediately made an Instagram appearance. Things were going well. I spent all of the money in my account on it but I wasn't worried because I was planning to sell my old car at CarMax and immediately recover financially, which worked out perfectly because I had a trip planned right after. Didn't work out that way. CarMax gave me an offer so low I refused to accept it. So suddenly I was an hour away from leaving for the weekend and found myself flat broke. Few feelings are worse than being broke when you thought you'd have money. Come to think of it, this might be better explained by this unfinished blurb that's sitting in my notepad. "I'm in that Benz with the paper tag. That ain't to flex, man I hate to brag. It's just in the process in which I state the facts of how I bought a Benz and now I can't pay for gas. Saved up first to see how long my paper lasts. Thinking I'ma sell the Jetta and just make it back. Took it to CarMax, they dam near told me take it back. Now I need money from my pops, but I hate to ask. Cause I feel I regress a bit every time I say "Thank You Dad" Chloe said I'll spot you, don't worry just pay me back. Somehow I've been reduced to handouts, how insane is that?" So here we are, the last weekend of the month and I've had my fair share of highs and lows. That ended up being one of the roughest weekends in recent memory for me but I kept it to myself. I took an L that it felt like I'd never recover from. A lifelong loss. I felt like I'd lost my best friends. After escaping that low feeling, on the last day of the month I walked out of work to see that my car had been messed with. An apparently fitting end to what seems on the surface to be a very trying month.
But that's the beauty of it, it wasn't a difficult month. Didn't feel that way at all. I was in high spirits all month for the most part. In retrospect, March was a fantastic month for me. What I've learned recently is that many times you can't control what happens to you, but you have full control over how you react to it and the effect it has on you. At the end of the day, negativity is a choice. I've learned to find positives in every situation, and that's helped me navigate life's twists and turns. If you're on the highway and it starts raining, do you pull over and complain about the weather or do you figure it out and get to your destination? Do what you have to do to get out of the rain, it's that simple. You may find it strange that I only spoke on the low points of March in this post. Well the way I see it, the blog is sort of a learning experience. I learn from everything I write, and I hope people learn things by reading. A wise man once said "Was taught to be a winner but I learned more from my losses" - Fab
Some amazing things happened for me in the month of March but they'll reveal themselves in due time. Those positives are what I focus on, and they make my losses seem minuscule and irrelevant. We all take L's. It's a part of life. But positivity is always an option. Chase heaven or wait for hell to find you. Defy your L's, don't let your L's define you. My friend Jalen inspired this post because we were discussing circumstances and he said "No matter what, we're always given a choice. You can either conquer your problems or be overcome by them. You can be a victor or a victim." I won't ever forget that and I hope anyone reading this won't either. Losses end games, losses end streaks, they even end seasons. But losses don't end careers. No matter how many losses you take you can come back and try to win until YOU decide to give up. No one has ever been forced to retire because of a loss. The Lakers have lost 60 games and Kobe is only retiring because he wants to. You don't get to the end without taking a few losses along the way. There are two L's in Finally. Don't be a victim. I have a philosophy that I've lived by as of late where I do my best to make sure I don't let the same thing ruin my day two days in a row. I don't pull over and sit in the rain. Win or lose, victors cruise.

#GetOutOfTheRain2016

                                                                             -Swaggy T