Dear Mom (And Dad),

 The other day after reading my blog post about the impact Kendrick's performance had on me, my mother gave me her review as usual. She said that she really liked the post and that it was very well written. She was proud. That's such a great feeling. She then playfully added "It seems like you're inspired and moved by rappers all the time. Maybe if I want to have an impact on you I have to start a rap career. I guess your parents are chopped liver." We both laughed, it was a funny moment. But at that very moment I knew I would write something for her. Not to validate the impact that they've had on me, she's well aware of that. But it's nice to be able to reiterate and share that feeling. The only issue is that it's nearly impossible to encompass the impact my parents have had on me with but a mere blog post. No role model or influence in my life can even begin to compare to my parents. I idolize them in just about every way imaginable. I hope to one day achieve success as they have. To declare what I want and go get it as they have. They define the "relationship goals" everyone seems to be so caught up in today. People look up to celebrity couples just for being celebrities. I've lived with actual relationship goals for 21 years. They probably have no idea how much attention I'm paying, but I'm taking notes. I hope to be even half as great at parenting as they've been when I have children of my own. I've never taken them for granted, even at a young age I knew I had great parents and I appreciated that. When I was in 4th grade I was one of three kids on my bus who lived with both parents and I knew that meant a lot. But although I never took them for granted, the appreciation I had back then pales in comparison to how I feel now. The more I grow up, the more I understand the magnitude of what they've done/they do for me. I appreciate them for the simple fact that home has always been safe, even when I didn't want to be here. For the constant love and support, even though I was a chronic underachiever. I always knew that I could count on my parents. If a teacher was giving me problems at school I knew my mom would be face to face with whoever she felt she needed to speak to within one business day. My parents always had my back and they've always been by my side. Between getting older and watching how they raise my brother, I'm able to look back and see that even more clearly. For instance, when I was nine years old I randomly decided I wanted to play baseball. I was already playing basketball and football at the time and my dad was heavily invested in both. He had never played real baseball a day in his life. But as soon as I decided I wanted to play he signed me up and got me all of the equipment I would need, and a baseball glove for himself so he could practice with me. He went online and looked up drills that I could do. The next day we went to the park and he taped a box onto a fence, had me stand however many feet away little league regulation was at the time, and throw into the box until the sun went down. After about a week of doing various drills and him teaching me things he was just learning himself, I went to tryouts and the coach thought I'd been playing for years. I only played baseball for a year (Didn't have time due to basketball). My dad probably hasn't even said the word baseball in ten years. And it took me all of that time to realize that he became passionate about it simply because I wanted to do it. That's just the way my parents are and have always been. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that there isn't anything they wouldn't do for my brother and I. So mom, it's not that I don't see the love you've always had for me and understand the impact. And just because I'm not home as much doesn't mean I don't know that's where the heart is. I simply had to leave the nest to find my wings. I needed space and time to see and become the person that you always knew I was. I never believed you when you told me I was special. I thought moms were just supposed to say that. But looking back I see that you guys were always right all along about (almost) everything. I rarely speak on your impact because there are truly no words for it. I'm forever indebted for the values you instilled in me. You made me who I am, and I'm just learning to love myself. A wise man once said "There's no way I can pay you back, but my plan is to show you that I understand." And see that one line is quite key, I guess I can thank a rapper for that. But every time I go out to eat I thank you for teaching me to put the napkin on a my lap, those long nights as a kid with the nebulizer when I had asthma attacks or in high school when I had spasms and you held the pads on my back. I remember it all, even things you'd think I'd never seen. So I would like to take this chance to thank you, for everything. For believing I could fly, even before I found my wings.

And to anyone else who's still reading this, I guess the message here is to let someone know what they mean to you, even if it's understood. It never hurts to hear it and you may even make someone's day. There are few better feelings than being appreciated. The photo below is a text from Julian Levy, the smartest kid I've ever met who just so happens to not be a kid anymore. It made my day the other day because he was right, you really never know. So give someone that feeling. Go ahead, let them know. Spread that love.

#LetEmKnow2016

(He corrected typos shortly after btw)

- Swaggy T

To Escape A Cocoon

Never had I found myself moved to the point where I had no choice but to remain completely still. It's just amazing how the power of a moment allowed someone chained by shackles to capture my attention. It's as if I was seeing the light as I realized the weight of the moment. With every changing scene and each word of every verse the light became more apparent as the situation grew heavier. This feeling was so new to me, so unfamiliar that I felt the need to verify it by watching the performance a second time as soon as possible. I happened to be among familiar company as I was beside myself once again. I confirmed what I originally declared immediately after watching the first time... Kendrick Lamar's Grammy performance was the greatest and most powerful moment I've ever witnessed. That's not an exaggeration nor an overreaction. I can't think of any other moment where I understood so much while being so overwhelmed. For one man to use a platform to reach a national audience, grab their attention and force them to listen to what they don't want to hear with such vigor and unwavering confidence & conviction (pun intended) was awe inspiring to say the least. I have no shame in saying I shed a tear. I honestly felt like the weight of that moment spoke directly to me and I'm sort of writing this just to see if I'm the only one who felt this way. This performance said so much, so clearly but it really showed me the importance of standing up for what you believe in.

Marching to the beat of your own drum with no regard for the repercussions. Playing your game with no concern of pushing buttons.

When all are hearing a story that only one can tell... Don't worry about what you do as long as you've done it well. Give everything your best you, and nothing else. Those who hate tend to love you until you love yourself. I caught the magic in every word like it was a spell, as Kendrick told 50 million he was done with 12. So there it is, love yourself, Love you. You can't control it, some don't like it, some do. So you may be in some heat if you shine like the sun too. On your brightest days they'll try to throw water through your sunroof, but life's a two seater you can't make everyone comfortable. That's life. Some win, some lose. But don't quit, if you don't play then you can't choose. So as he stood up on that stage and he spit, it meant something. If you only take what they give, you get nothing. No need to talk, just stay low and plan your moves. Cause when you show them instead of telling they can't assume. Cause the more that you say, the more they'll speak their rumors, if you've got nothing to show, they'll keep assuming. So when you give them your heart, be sure to bleed profusely. Always strive to be the best you, and keep improving. Don't look back when you make a move, just keep it moving. They say the caged bird sings, but they couldn't hear us crooning. So will you choose to spread your wings, or keep cocooning?

                - Swaggy T

Be Comfortable

In the 9th grade, my shoe size went up to size 14. I was still about 5'7 at the time so it looked absolutely ridiculous. Every pair of shoes I got looked like clown shoes. Aside from just the outward appearance, there were other issues with my rapidly growing foot that made life more difficult. As some of you may know, most shoes that are released only come out in stores up to size 13. This also coincides with the early stages of my sneaker obsession so being a size 14 really limited my options and made it more of a hassle. I also feared that my foot would continue to grow. In 6th grade I went from a size 8.5 to an 11. By 8th grade I was a size 13. So I ultimately made one of the biggest decisions of my life and decided that this had to stop. I didn't want my foot to continue growing and I didn't want to live the life of an "extreme sizer" forever. So I backtracked. I forced my shoe back into a 13, much to the dismay of my mother who refused to embrace this decision and viewed it as you probably do, incredibly stupid. She said that she wasn't going to be a part of me deforming my feet and if I wanted to wear size 13 shoes I had to buy them on my own. So I did just that. Eventually it got to the point where she stopped bothering me about it, my feet stopped hurting and shoes weren't such a hassle to obtain. I did what I wanted to do, even though it made no sense to anyone else. And everything worked out for me. This drawn out, tangential tidbit is about more than just me defying the laws of nature for some sneakers. It just goes to show that at the end of the day, you have to do what makes YOU happy. You can't base your decisions on other people's opinions or desires. You have to live for you. You're the only one that has to/gets to live your life. At the end of the day YOU are impacted by your decisions more than anyone else is. And YOU are the person that is left to deal with the downfall or reap the benefits of whatever you decide to do. And in no way does that mean to completely disregard anyone else's advice. There are certainly people that have your best interest at hand and you need those people. If you're not listening it's impossible to learn. It's just vital to keep in mind that no one is as familiar with your heart as you are. You know what makes you happy, you know what you desire. Go get it. Along the way you'll learn that some people won't support it or be thrilled with it, but that's okay. You'll make yourself miserable trying to please everyone else. Like a defense that's facing Cam Newton, it's important to look out for number 1. Yourself. "If you never follow your heart, you're sure to lose your mind" - Trey Songz (on a Fabolous track) So take this and apply it to whatever it is that you want. Whatever it is that makes you happy, do it. Do what you've gotta do to be what you've gotta be. It's your job to make you the best you that you can be. You can't be at your best if you aren't happy. "I've gotta feel alive even if it kills me. Promise to always give you me, the real me" - Drake ... Be yourself. Love yourself. Live yourself. Find what you love and give your all to it, in all walks of life. You deserve it. A wise man once said "And be you that's when it sounds be-you-tiful" - Cole... So go ahead, squeeze your foot into those size 13's. You may be surprised at how great it feels. Be you. Be comfortable. 

#BeComfortable2016 

Dear Me, I Forgive You

I still haven't healed from my first heartbreak.

 I still think about it every waking minute of my life. I still haven't forgiven myself. I can't wait until the day basketball stops being on my mind every second of every day. I can't wait until the day I stop doing involuntary dribble moves with an imaginary ball through everyday settings. I probably look crazy. I just can't wait until I finally break free from this hold that basketball has over me. 

I still haven't healed from my first heartbreak... It just continues to get worse. No one understands how truly devastated I am and have been for years about basketball. I try not to talk about it. The worst part about it is being asked by strangers and even people close to me on a daily basis. Everyone wants to know if I play basketball. I'm asked multiple times a day, everywhere I go. I can't escape it. And every single time it hurts, no less than the time before, as I put a fake smile on my face and say 
"no, not anymore." 

That's normally followed by some variation of "oh wow but you're so tall, you're still young. You have to try!" Even customers that can't speak English tell me I should be playing basketball. The other day in Chipotle a cop said to me "God looks down at you and shakes his head in shame for you wasting all that height." He said it in a playful manner, didn't stop me from dying a little inside. It may seem like I'm being dramatic but just imagine having an ugly fallout with your ex and being asked about them everyday for 4 years by people you don't even know. 

The pain doesn't come from them asking though. No, the pain comes from my anger and disappointment with myself for being in love with something my whole life and having everything in front of me yet amounting to nothing. The pain comes from the fact that the end of this month will make 4 years since the last time I played a minute of basketball that meant anything. The pain comes from failure. 
And then I thought to myself, as always, about what this must symbolize. I thought about how this goes way beyond just basketball in my life. There are so many things I'm unhappy with myself for. So many areas in my life where I have failed miserably to reach my potential and how my anger at myself is what seems to keep me from moving on. 

Instead I end up inviting that pain to cut me even deeper. It isn't healthy, nor is it productive. 

If you're angry with someone you care about, your relationship won't progress while you're harboring those feelings. Same goes for your relationship with yourself. So I've decided to forgive myself. Or at least try to. A new year seems to be a good time to do that. If you're reading this you may want to as well. I'm not saying forget, just forgive. There's some area of life where you've let yourself down. Stop dwelling on it, you're not helping yourself. You're stuck on it. Forgive yourself, move on, and take the necessary steps toward improving so that you can begin to see some results. Chances are you're harder on yourself than anyone else could be. You have to learn to forgive yourself. Ever wondered why it's so easy to give advice to someone going through something but so hard to figure out your own problems? 

When you're in a stressful situation it's like a maze. You can't see the way out. Other people have a bird's eye view so your problem seems much more simple to them. If you stay in that maze beating yourself up for being in that maze, what progress can you possibly make toward getting out of it? Let it go, focus on trying to see that Bird's eye view. Find a solution instead of focusing on the problem. Forgive yourself, that seems like it may be the first step. 

Three things that keep me going: I am not where I want to be, I am not where I once was, I am not done... I forgive you, me.   


Don't beat yourself up... #ForgiveYourself2016

                   - Swaggy T

Follow Through

I can't whistle. Never could, and at this point I'll never be able to. It's never bothered me or anything. Didn't have any significant effect on my life. I got through 21 years just fine without it. I didn't even realize I couldn't. Until the other day at work I was ringing up a customer and he started whistling. Suddenly I thought back to when I was that 7 year old kid who wanted so badly to be able to whistle and would always ask people to teach him. They made it seem so simple but I just couldn't grasp the concept. So I gave up. Whistling didn't even cross my mind at any point afterward. Fast forward 14 years later and here I am a 21 year old standing in front of this customer and I still can't whistle. Something I once wanted so badly was just completely gone and given up on, to the point where it no longer matters. You're probably thinking this is incredibly trivial, and you're right. But to me this meant so much more than whistling. It's like I was having an epiphany in this moment standing before this customer trying to keep a smile on my face as I thought of all the other goals, dreams and desires I let slip away because they didn't work out the way I wanted them to when I wanted them to work out. I missed out on way more than being able to whistle. So many times I've had a desire to do something or develop a craft and just completely discarded the thought of it because it didn't work out. And then I began thinking about how there's no way I'm the only one. You're probably already thinking as you read this about something you once gave up on too soon. A lot of us are only satisfied with instant gratification, not everything works out that way. Blessings wear disguises as if everyday is October 31st, so you won't always pick up on them immediately. We've talked about shooting your shot, in all different areas of life. The importance of taking chances and doing what you want to do. But if you ask anyone who's ever played even a little bit of basketball, the most important part of a shot is the follow through. That also applies metaphorically. What good is shooting your shot if you don't follow through? If you want something, it isn't enough just to want it. Follow through and do what it takes to obtain it. Don't be so quick to give up on something or talk yourself out of chasing something you want because it doesn't work out right away. Or 14 years will pass you by and you'll realize you still can't whistle. You'll never win the title belt if you throw in the towel in the first round. "Find what you love and let it kill you" -  Charles Bukowski... in other words "What we gon do? Do it to death" - Busta Rhymes

Sometimes you just have to jump in the water like you aren't afraid to drown, that's essentially how you learn to swim. So whatever it is that you do, actually do it. Stop making excuses, stop giving up, stop putting it off. Embrace it head on. I don't really have a New Year's Resolution because I never follow through with them. So one thing I plan to work on this year is following through, that way I can be in position to actually have a resolution next year. It just feels like I've tried and wanted to do so many different things and I've done absolutely nothing. So many ideas and desires with nothing to show for it. As I get older, time seems to be moving faster. 2015 was the fastest year of my life. It's time to stop trying and start doing. A wise man once said "I've gotta make a move, I've gotta do this now. If they don't know your dreams, then they can't shoot em down" - J. Cole ... So shoot your shot, and leave your hand up to make sure it looks pretty for the highlight reel. You're more likely to have something to show for it if you follow through. Go get what you want. Contrary to what you may have heard, If You're Reading This It's Not Too Late. Another wise man once said "Water you waiting for?" 

      

- Swaggy T

Ehhhhh

For a school assignment I was asked to write about 3 cultures that I belong to that contribute to the person I am today. I decided to take a different angle and focus on perception. I was told I should post it so... here it is. 

                                                                                                                             

The Cultural Composition: More to Me Than Meets the Eye

           

            Many people decide who I am before they ever meet me.  As unfortunate as this may seem, I’ve had to embrace this circumstance as reality.  As a young African-American male in today’s society, assumptions are made about my character, upbringing, and personality on a daily basis.  Many times I have my voice taken from me before having the chance to speak. As I grew older, I became increasingly more determined to correct those misconceptions, thwart those stereotypes, and destroy those stigmas. I set out to ensure that once people got to know me, they’d understand why they shouldn’t be so quick to conceive their own premature opinions.  I’ve learned that people fear what they don’t understand. There’s much more to myself, or any individual for that matter, than what can be seen on the surface. There are a bevy of cultural factors and influences that have helped to shape the young man I have become today and the way I carry myself.  A few of them can easily be seen from the outside looking in. Hip hop, sports, and sneakers are all very vital to me. They are also a part of the premature public perception that others may form. But the untrained eye can’t fully understand the way said cultures have influenced me individually.

            Hip hop is an enormous part of my life. There is a universal appreciation for music, although for many different genres and variations. So while almost everyone can appreciate a love for music, not every individual can relate to everyone else’s taste. I believe that hip hop unfairly receives a negative connotation from the general public. People tend to write it off due to unfamiliarity and don’t seem to understand the positive effect that hip hop can have. Many artists have positive messages and great storytelling abilities that they still manage to tie together wonderfully into a hit song. Hip hop has helped me through some of the toughest times in my life, and been the soundtrack to my best times. I’ve learned a lot about the world and myself through the music alone. Hip hop introduced me to the fact that I actually enjoyed writing, as I was inspired to begin writing myself by my favorite artist. My role model graduated Magna Cum Laude from St. John’s University. But because he’s a “rapper”, that automatically receives a negative perception. Many people don’t understand there’s more to the music. Many people don’t understand there’s more to me.

            From a very young age I was enamored with sports. Whether it be watching sports, playing outside with friends, playing for a team, or even keeping up with stats and rumors on the internet.  Sports have played a very big role in the person I am to this point because they have surrounded me for my entire life.  I played sports all throughout my years growing up. Being part of teams and having a craft to dedicate myself to taught me a lot about cooperation, structure, discipline, and hard work. Often times athletes are given the “jock” label insinuating that one may not be as bright. I think often times it’s quite the contrary. I feel that having to balance so many different aspects of life around and with my athletics helped to make me the well-rounded individual that I am today. In high school, the average student gets home at 3:00 pm. I can probably count on two hands how many times I was home that early. Due to practices and games, I would get to school at 7:00 am and wouldn’t get home until anywhere between 7:00 and 11:00 pm. I feel that has played a large role in my ability to adjust to my circumstances. On a lesser note, I’m a sports fanatic when it comes to my professional teams. I’ve stuck with my teams through thick and thin, rougher times than most could imagine. I believe that speaks to and has helped to shape my loyalty in other areas of life as well.  Once again, there’s more beneath the surface.

            Lastly, the impact of the sneaker culture is understood by only a select few, those who are a part of it.  Sneakers were an immense part of growing into the person I am today because they gave me a chance to express myself when I needed it most. As crazy as it may seem, the timing of the development of my sneaker obsession in high school matches up almost perfectly with me beginning to figure out who I was at that age. I don’t believe that it was a coincidence. Sneakers also helped me to become self-sufficient. I fell in love with sneakers during that awkward period in high school where you’re too young to get a job but your parents see you as too old to just buy things for you. So I began selling candy in school to feed my sneaker obsession. I made about $80-$100 a week selling candy and I would save it up with a target date in mind for whatever sneakers were coming out. Spending hours reading online sneaker forums, standing in lines and calling every store in the mall on sneaker release dates became second nature. The ability to express and sustain myself started with the sneaker culture. That’s why they will always be more than “just sneakers” to me.

            Looking back, the impact that these cultures had in my life is immense, bigger than most would imagine. With the interests of hip hop, sports, and sneakers, most people would paint their own picture in their head as to what kind of person that individual might be, just as many people paint a picture of me before being handed brush. I just hope to be able to show others that you can’t necessarily put people in a box when it comes to their culture. Inability to relate should not equal failure to understand. There’s more to each culture, not just the ones I described or am a part of. There’s more to me than most would see.

            

Trust Fund

It takes forever to earn it, and you can lose it all within a second. No, not money. Trust. Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. Whether it be a romantic relationship, friendship, work, etc. Trust is the foundation of anything you are trying to build interpersonally and even within yourself. Until you trust and believe in yourself it will be quite difficult to trust others. And if you can't trust yourself, how can someone else be expected to trust you? The most effective way to build trust with others is to live every day as if you're trying to earn your own trust, because you'll always be watching. It doesn't seem like anyone ever talks about that, or even sees it that way. You're always told to treat others as you'd like to be treated but you can't control the actions of others. Why not treat others the way you would want to treat yourself? Live up to your own expectations of dealing with people. Expect to get in return no more than what you put out. If you're not completely honest with others, they don't always know. But you do. You're the one who has to live with every move you make. The camera is always rolling. So if you aren't 100% honest with yourself, don't expect that from anyone else. How can you expect someone to treat you better than you treat yourself? Never respect a man who doesn't respect his word. In a way, it's all you have. Word is bond. Trust and respect go hand in hand. Which goes back to trust being the foundation of interpersonal relationships. Trust and respect breed loyalty, which is a necessity among those close to you. But it's a very fragile balance because as stated earlier, as long it takes to build trust, it can be lost in an instant. You never actually finish building trust, it's ongoing. Ziad K. Abdelnour stated "Trust is earned, respect is given, loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one of those is to lose all three". Maybe that risk is what scares people. Some may see it as, if I can work to build something for that long and lose it all instantly, why build it? Or maybe some people just don't trust themselves enough to trust others. Either way, I'm just really not sure when it became cool to say "I don't trust anyone". People say that proudly and wear it as some sort of badge of honor as if that isn't tragic. That's not a good thing. If you don't have anyone you can trust, you don't have anyone you can count on. Which is crucial seeing as it's much tougher to do this whole "life" thing alone. I really do pity anyone who feels they have no one they can trust because I can't even imagine. Personally, I don't know what I'd do without the people closest to me. Intentionally not trusting others to prevent yourself from being betrayed is like stabbing yourself in the ribs so that no one can stab you in your back. It's important to have people around you who you can be sure have your best interests in mind. The vital step is finding those people, and building that trust. Wale once said "You know that balance a b***h, cause who's on your back or who's got your back, I promise the line is this thin". But it all comes back to how you treat yourself. If you keep it real with yourself and others, you're likely to attract those who will keep it real with you as well. Trust is like a bank. You can only get out, what you put in. 

                                                                                 -Swaggy T