24 Days

New note. Trying to focus my thoughts. A few notes in the past I wrote as I fought. Went through many battles to reach inner peace. Just to have someone tell me it's something I didn't reach. I know myself. So well that I wrote myself. A bunch of letters that didn't receive responses, I just wrote what helped. Got them off my chest as soon as I hit submit. Now I'm far from depressed, I've proven that I'm legit. A legitimate lyricist. Gifted and giving it. Pen is ridiculous. Steady, meticulous. Ready yet ignorant. Eyes closed, full heart. This is bliss.

I contemplate a return to narrative writing. I haven't been high in a while, mostly apParent compliance. Cause they don't want to hear that he's flying. I'd rather be left to my own devices, but now everyone else in my life has become so decisive. And I don't sleep straight through the night when I close my eyelids. They put a label on the way I am, I won't deny it. I've just always hated science and I'm tired of staying quiet.
I do my best to manage it,
I'm chasing bread, no sandwiches.
You may not understand this clip,
let's take it back to narrative.

A week later I'm sitting in my car passing time as I wait to take my little brother home from practice. Gathering my thoughts has become increasingly difficult so excuse me if I begin to ramble, as I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Or where to start for that matter. My life has been very blah lately. The most exciting thing that's happened is that I've gone back to work. I feel like a functioning member of society again so that's a positive. For a while the medication I'm on made it nearly impossible for me to do most things. With the pen I'm an artist but lately all I've been drawing are blanks. If you've read it regardless then I would like to offer my thanks. I'm so broke I hang up when I get a call from the bank.
      Indents of in debts, bugs me like insects. Just started working, now I'll pay my friends next. Weight with no shoulders, yet I've gotta bench press. Things aren't working out but I've gotten your interest. I guess that's worth something, cause I'm not worth much. I'm broke & I'm hoping these words are my crutch. So many people have not been in touch. I tell myself that's something not to discuss as I look in the mirror and say "it's just us".

That came off lonelier than it was supposed to. It's actually a good thing in my mind. It shows that I've gotten to the point where I'm not decimated by losing people. The people that were gone haven't returned and the person who got me through their absence is gone, yet I'm fine. Still not sure why the last one left. Won't use any names and won't get trigger Happy with aka's but I can no longer beat myself up trying to figure out what I did to people. That's not healthy. I've gotta look out for myself more than I was. Everyone has their own perspective and I've got to let them live with it. I spend so much time in the shoes of others but no one even tries on my size 13's.
I'm through breaking my toes.

8 days later I'm wrestling with trying to squeeze in a bike ride before my doctor's appointment. A side effect of my medication is weight gain. I'm in pursuit of a dollar as if I hate change. I watch the playoffs and fall asleep to the late games. A genius who got ahead of himself while trying to grab the bread from the shelf to escape all of the pressure he felt. Dug such a hole he felt he was in debt to himself, and he's been trying to launch endeavors as well. Being broke is the root of all evil, are you in heaven or hell? Burning question, trying to peddle myself. From lyrical dope to biblical quotes. Ran back to what I was missing the most, I lost myself and started drifting too close. I wonder if this is something that I'm willing to post. I'm hesitant to represent the thoughts inside my head again. I overthink, it's clear if you've read. I've been rambling so much I'm starting to fear what I've said. But at the same time I can murder this using words like superfluous. Extra, extra, read all about me. I try to accept reality, my dreams won't allow me.
I'm cursed by these verses, imperfectly perfect. Rehearsing my purpose as I search what my worth is. I'd much rather do my work as a wordsmith.

A couple of days later, I'm trying to wrap this up. I'm not sure if I should rhyme this last portion or not. I'm just trying to make up my mind as I'm pouring my heart. But I'm unsure where to start. I've got my thoughts overflowing and I readjust on a whim once I've lost where I'm going. A command on this banter, recurring rambling ranter who paints a picture with words that comes out clear as a camera. My parents asleep on the couch, so much I'm thinking about. Once I finish up this verse then I'll be tweeting it out. I wear my heart on my sleeve, right now I'm bleeding it out. I'm writing this with no clue of how the beat's gonna sound. If you're reading this, I love you. Even if we've had our differences. I'm sure I'm still the same me, I don't know what the difference is. Just a young kid who's been missing a couple friends of his, who shed a couple tears today when he got a text from Chris. Going too in depth with this, friendship's what the message is.  Sometimes you feel the freedom through tears, or hearing something you needed to hear. Just simply being aware. Thanks cause I needed you here.

Started this on the first day of the playoffs and it's almost the conference finals. 24 days in my head. I'm posting it without reading it so I don't take even more time. I hope I didn't say anything too wild. I've realized it's probably my fault I feel alone, and I'm doing a much better job of dealing with it. Thanks for everyone that's there even when I don't notice. Love.