Dear Me, I Forgive You

I still haven't healed from my first heartbreak.

 I still think about it every waking minute of my life. I still haven't forgiven myself. I can't wait until the day basketball stops being on my mind every second of every day. I can't wait until the day I stop doing involuntary dribble moves with an imaginary ball through everyday settings. I probably look crazy. I just can't wait until I finally break free from this hold that basketball has over me. 

I still haven't healed from my first heartbreak... It just continues to get worse. No one understands how truly devastated I am and have been for years about basketball. I try not to talk about it. The worst part about it is being asked by strangers and even people close to me on a daily basis. Everyone wants to know if I play basketball. I'm asked multiple times a day, everywhere I go. I can't escape it. And every single time it hurts, no less than the time before, as I put a fake smile on my face and say 
"no, not anymore." 

That's normally followed by some variation of "oh wow but you're so tall, you're still young. You have to try!" Even customers that can't speak English tell me I should be playing basketball. The other day in Chipotle a cop said to me "God looks down at you and shakes his head in shame for you wasting all that height." He said it in a playful manner, didn't stop me from dying a little inside. It may seem like I'm being dramatic but just imagine having an ugly fallout with your ex and being asked about them everyday for 4 years by people you don't even know. 

The pain doesn't come from them asking though. No, the pain comes from my anger and disappointment with myself for being in love with something my whole life and having everything in front of me yet amounting to nothing. The pain comes from the fact that the end of this month will make 4 years since the last time I played a minute of basketball that meant anything. The pain comes from failure. 
And then I thought to myself, as always, about what this must symbolize. I thought about how this goes way beyond just basketball in my life. There are so many things I'm unhappy with myself for. So many areas in my life where I have failed miserably to reach my potential and how my anger at myself is what seems to keep me from moving on. 

Instead I end up inviting that pain to cut me even deeper. It isn't healthy, nor is it productive. 

If you're angry with someone you care about, your relationship won't progress while you're harboring those feelings. Same goes for your relationship with yourself. So I've decided to forgive myself. Or at least try to. A new year seems to be a good time to do that. If you're reading this you may want to as well. I'm not saying forget, just forgive. There's some area of life where you've let yourself down. Stop dwelling on it, you're not helping yourself. You're stuck on it. Forgive yourself, move on, and take the necessary steps toward improving so that you can begin to see some results. Chances are you're harder on yourself than anyone else could be. You have to learn to forgive yourself. Ever wondered why it's so easy to give advice to someone going through something but so hard to figure out your own problems? 

When you're in a stressful situation it's like a maze. You can't see the way out. Other people have a bird's eye view so your problem seems much more simple to them. If you stay in that maze beating yourself up for being in that maze, what progress can you possibly make toward getting out of it? Let it go, focus on trying to see that Bird's eye view. Find a solution instead of focusing on the problem. Forgive yourself, that seems like it may be the first step. 

Three things that keep me going: I am not where I want to be, I am not where I once was, I am not done... I forgive you, me.   


Don't beat yourself up... #ForgiveYourself2016

                   - Swaggy T