You Never Know

This post is sort of like that one random episode in Season 6 of your favorite show that's full of flashbacks revisiting moments from previous seasons. Yes, I am referring specifically to the episode of The Office where Toby is giving an HR report to the potential buyer. Anyway, it just dawned on me that my blog is a year old now. Time flies. I went through many ups and downs over that time, some of which may be shown in the writing or lack thereof. Despite a 6 month period in which writer's block caused me to collect stress and the blog to collect dust, I feel that I made immeasurable progress; Not even so much as a writer, but more so as a person. March 11, 2015 at 10:45 p.m I sat down as a misguided kid with a lot to say but no platform who finally decided to go to blogspot.com and start what I'd been putting off for years. I had no clue what the premise of the blog would be, let alone what the first post would even be about. I literally wrote my initial blog post about how I was starting a blog. A few days later and almost a year ago to date, I wrote an entry titled "A Left At The Second Light" which was essentially a post about how lost I was and how I had no clue what I was doing. But my understanding of the fact that I was lost is what lead to me being able to find myself. Small quotes such as "We're all searching for direction, but I think sometimes it's important to get lost" and "No matter how strong the winds may be, there's never been a storm that didn't pass" really helped me to see things a bit more clearly. At that time not many people were reading but I was helping myself by finally finding a way to silently verbalize the thoughts I never got a chance to express. As I wrote more, I began to realize that more people were paying attention and that it was really helping some people just as much as I was helping myself. I received compliments and thank you's just for sharing my thoughts and it was an amazing feeling. But the best feeling of all was knowing that I was able to help even one single person that was feeling the way I was on March 11, 2015. In my initial post I stated "Now I highly doubt this blog is going to change my life in a major way". Fast forward a year from that post and wow I was so wrong. I really like where this blog has taken me, even though I'm yet to go anywhere. I'd like to thank myself for finally starting the blog and I'd like to thank all of you for reading and giving feedback because that's what inspired me to continue writing after I'd stopped. I was lost, horribly. Through this I was able to find myself, and go back to where I once was and help other people who were there as well. This is not only my canvas, it's my Underground Railroad. If you would've told me a year ago that the blog I was starting was going to help numerous people have a better understanding of themselves, help my parents understand me more, lead me to finding myself and inspire multiple people to start blogs of their own I simply wouldn't have believed you. So I can honestly say I'm really proud of myself. I started this with no premise and no promises and a year later I know exactly what I want to use this for. Whenever someone asks me what my blog is about I describe it as "Me talking to myself while attempting to speak for others." With that being said, I've talked to myself for long enough in this one. Here's how it can apply to you. You really never know what impact what you're doing right now can have on your life going forward. Your next move may be your best move, make it carefully. But most importantly, make it. Had I turned on my Xbox and played 2k(wow it was 15 at that time) at 10:45 p.m on March 11, 2015 there's a very high chance I'd still be lost to this day. A foolish man once said "How ironic I thought I couldn't do anything right, until I started writing. And you're never in the fight, until you've started fighting." For you it may not be writing. Everything isn't for everyone but there's something for everybody. Everyone has something. Whatever it is that you do, do it. Find what makes you happy and dive into it. Make your decisions carefully but don't fear the idea of making a decision. Take a chance, especially if the risk is low. You never know where it might take you. A year in and I feel like this is only the beginning. So if you've been reading or even if this is the first post you've ever seen, thank you so much. Please understand that even if we don't know each other personally, I'm more than happy to help you if you need me. That's what this is, that's what I'm here for. A foolish man also once said "So I'm speaking for you, let me be your voice. Decided to chase a dream cause I was glad to have the choice. I was tired of keeping quiet, time to bring the noise. Cause it's he who Rolls the dice, that pulls up in a Royce." #TakeAChance2016

Thank you all so much for reading.

                                                                One Love, 

                                                                           - Swaggy T

                                                                       

Call It What You Want

I was reading my last blog entry with the letter to my parents and one of the lines in there inspired me to start writing again and then I lost track. This was an accident. It doesn't fit the blog and is a side of me I don't often show so it'll probably be deleted soon. Enjoy while it lasts...

The more I grew up, the more I understood the magnitude of all the things they did when they were doing what they had to do. All the things they taught me even when I had an attitude. All the time they dedicated to their hustle not to hassle you so now adults that you don't know will ask you what your dad would do. Then the lights came on, people realized they were both grinding. While others invested a little time, they were bulk buying. When others were flexing but really lying, they were both quiet. There's no way that these parents are really mine, yo they're both giants. But now I'm realizing that I'm bigger than I thought I was. And it's my job to finish what they started up. I know that other people had to get it from the bottom up but my parents gave me a head start, that's iconic love. And that's the kinda love, that's like a diamond love. That I'm willing to die for it once I find it love. That I'm really focused on finding love. Not just romantic but that reliant love. Cause in war time, you'll need that alliance love. Everything I do is for it like I'm signed to love. That kinda love that when you're down it helps you rise above. That kinda love that I could never put these rhymes above. That's my main purpose, can't let the little things distract me. I'm realizing I don't want to be anything but happy. Been running circles in my own mind, it's really been a track meet. In a world of superficials only the realer things attract me.  These words are my therapy so I can't feel a thing attack me. It's therapeutic, these words I use em but don't abuse em. They're starting to see I'm a problem and that's word to Houston. And I'm moving in silence they never heard him shooting, but one day I'll be getting buckets like I'm bird or Ewing. That's two 3's and a double entendre, now they know I'm shooting and it's time to put shots up; surgical precision when I'm cutting these rhymes up. They're all looking for a leader, I was trying to help em find one. Like a middle page in the dictionary, I define one. Time's up but I'm so down that I find some. 6'5 but I hold it down like I'm 5'1. To show you how nice I am with these rhymes I think I'll rewind some. It's therapeutic, these words I use em but don't abuse em. And now they see I'm a problem, and that's word to Houston and because I'm moving in silence they never heard me shooting. I grew up an underachiever making the worst excuses, now it seems like every motion I make is the perfect movement. Right now you probably are baffled by what these words are doing. How could I be such a strong writer but not the perfect student? The school thing really made me feel like a worthless human, but with this pen I've got power, I've got nerve, I'm ruthless so letter to the game, this is the field that I'ma murder you in. While they're observing the body, I will observe the viewing. This is probably the first chance you've had to learn I do this. I may never tell you directly but bet these words will do it. A few will read this and think oh wow his rhymes are sick. A couple will read this and think okay he can kinda spit. Others will laugh and be like "omg he's trying to spit". My mother may read this and say "omg what Shaun is this?" She might call my dad up like "help me find our kid. He said he's done with the games and doing what Simon says" there's seats on the bandwagon for whoever wants to doubt me. Read this and think whatever you want about me, but look at your life and see it's not as fun without me.  Once I found myself it's like everybody found me. I'm just trying to spread love to everyone around me. Cause I decided to be happy regardless of who allows me. I've been quiet for some time, welcome to the loud me. Jaw dropping lyrics, punchlines make your mouth bleed. Growing up, I met a world. It was better when I found peace. Told my mother I grew up years ago, she responded "child please". She taught me to be selective with the ones I let surround me. So there's strength in my circle, I love the ones I keep around me. Like dropkicks in Mortal Kombat, everyone is 'down b'. I wouldn't have found myself if I didn't find my friends. Cause when I wanted to jump they're the ones who climbed the ledge. Pulled me back to safety and then helped me clear my head. So let's recap. I'm done with the games, through doing what Simon Says. If you're not trying to be happy you're either blind or dead. 20/20 vision and I'm trying to be alive til death. Living and spreading love, that's what my assignment is. So I'm in the field in the trenches, like a lineman is. Package these bars with delivery, that's what consignment is. Like Foster Home visits, they're praying somebody signs the kid. I lost myself in this rhyme, wow what time is it? This is not at all what I planned when I started writing it. The flow's so sick I've gotta stock up on my vitamins. I'm not a rapper, I'm a writer, but I'm not afraid to rhyme. Either way I choose to do it, I've just gotta take my time. Cause I plan to let the pen take me where it takes my mind.

Dear Mom (And Dad),

 The other day after reading my blog post about the impact Kendrick's performance had on me, my mother gave me her review as usual. She said that she really liked the post and that it was very well written. She was proud. That's such a great feeling. She then playfully added "It seems like you're inspired and moved by rappers all the time. Maybe if I want to have an impact on you I have to start a rap career. I guess your parents are chopped liver." We both laughed, it was a funny moment. But at that very moment I knew I would write something for her. Not to validate the impact that they've had on me, she's well aware of that. But it's nice to be able to reiterate and share that feeling. The only issue is that it's nearly impossible to encompass the impact my parents have had on me with but a mere blog post. No role model or influence in my life can even begin to compare to my parents. I idolize them in just about every way imaginable. I hope to one day achieve success as they have. To declare what I want and go get it as they have. They define the "relationship goals" everyone seems to be so caught up in today. People look up to celebrity couples just for being celebrities. I've lived with actual relationship goals for 21 years. They probably have no idea how much attention I'm paying, but I'm taking notes. I hope to be even half as great at parenting as they've been when I have children of my own. I've never taken them for granted, even at a young age I knew I had great parents and I appreciated that. When I was in 4th grade I was one of three kids on my bus who lived with both parents and I knew that meant a lot. But although I never took them for granted, the appreciation I had back then pales in comparison to how I feel now. The more I grow up, the more I understand the magnitude of what they've done/they do for me. I appreciate them for the simple fact that home has always been safe, even when I didn't want to be here. For the constant love and support, even though I was a chronic underachiever. I always knew that I could count on my parents. If a teacher was giving me problems at school I knew my mom would be face to face with whoever she felt she needed to speak to within one business day. My parents always had my back and they've always been by my side. Between getting older and watching how they raise my brother, I'm able to look back and see that even more clearly. For instance, when I was nine years old I randomly decided I wanted to play baseball. I was already playing basketball and football at the time and my dad was heavily invested in both. He had never played real baseball a day in his life. But as soon as I decided I wanted to play he signed me up and got me all of the equipment I would need, and a baseball glove for himself so he could practice with me. He went online and looked up drills that I could do. The next day we went to the park and he taped a box onto a fence, had me stand however many feet away little league regulation was at the time, and throw into the box until the sun went down. After about a week of doing various drills and him teaching me things he was just learning himself, I went to tryouts and the coach thought I'd been playing for years. I only played baseball for a year (Didn't have time due to basketball). My dad probably hasn't even said the word baseball in ten years. And it took me all of that time to realize that he became passionate about it simply because I wanted to do it. That's just the way my parents are and have always been. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that there isn't anything they wouldn't do for my brother and I. So mom, it's not that I don't see the love you've always had for me and understand the impact. And just because I'm not home as much doesn't mean I don't know that's where the heart is. I simply had to leave the nest to find my wings. I needed space and time to see and become the person that you always knew I was. I never believed you when you told me I was special. I thought moms were just supposed to say that. But looking back I see that you guys were always right all along about (almost) everything. I rarely speak on your impact because there are truly no words for it. I'm forever indebted for the values you instilled in me. You made me who I am, and I'm just learning to love myself. A wise man once said "There's no way I can pay you back, but my plan is to show you that I understand." And see that one line is quite key, I guess I can thank a rapper for that. But every time I go out to eat I thank you for teaching me to put the napkin on a my lap, those long nights as a kid with the nebulizer when I had asthma attacks or in high school when I had spasms and you held the pads on my back. I remember it all, even things you'd think I'd never seen. So I would like to take this chance to thank you, for everything. For believing I could fly, even before I found my wings.

And to anyone else who's still reading this, I guess the message here is to let someone know what they mean to you, even if it's understood. It never hurts to hear it and you may even make someone's day. There are few better feelings than being appreciated. The photo below is a text from Julian Levy, the smartest kid I've ever met who just so happens to not be a kid anymore. It made my day the other day because he was right, you really never know. So give someone that feeling. Go ahead, let them know. Spread that love.

#LetEmKnow2016

(He corrected typos shortly after btw)

- Swaggy T

To Escape A Cocoon

Never had I found myself moved to the point where I had no choice but to remain completely still. It's just amazing how the power of a moment allowed someone chained by shackles to capture my attention. It's as if I was seeing the light as I realized the weight of the moment. With every changing scene and each word of every verse the light became more apparent as the situation grew heavier. This feeling was so new to me, so unfamiliar that I felt the need to verify it by watching the performance a second time as soon as possible. I happened to be among familiar company as I was beside myself once again. I confirmed what I originally declared immediately after watching the first time... Kendrick Lamar's Grammy performance was the greatest and most powerful moment I've ever witnessed. That's not an exaggeration nor an overreaction. I can't think of any other moment where I understood so much while being so overwhelmed. For one man to use a platform to reach a national audience, grab their attention and force them to listen to what they don't want to hear with such vigor and unwavering confidence & conviction (pun intended) was awe inspiring to say the least. I have no shame in saying I shed a tear. I honestly felt like the weight of that moment spoke directly to me and I'm sort of writing this just to see if I'm the only one who felt this way. This performance said so much, so clearly but it really showed me the importance of standing up for what you believe in.

Marching to the beat of your own drum with no regard for the repercussions. Playing your game with no concern of pushing buttons.

When all are hearing a story that only one can tell... Don't worry about what you do as long as you've done it well. Give everything your best you, and nothing else. Those who hate tend to love you until you love yourself. I caught the magic in every word like it was a spell, as Kendrick told 50 million he was done with 12. So there it is, love yourself, Love you. You can't control it, some don't like it, some do. So you may be in some heat if you shine like the sun too. On your brightest days they'll try to throw water through your sunroof, but life's a two seater you can't make everyone comfortable. That's life. Some win, some lose. But don't quit, if you don't play then you can't choose. So as he stood up on that stage and he spit, it meant something. If you only take what they give, you get nothing. No need to talk, just stay low and plan your moves. Cause when you show them instead of telling they can't assume. Cause the more that you say, the more they'll speak their rumors, if you've got nothing to show, they'll keep assuming. So when you give them your heart, be sure to bleed profusely. Always strive to be the best you, and keep improving. Don't look back when you make a move, just keep it moving. They say the caged bird sings, but they couldn't hear us crooning. So will you choose to spread your wings, or keep cocooning?

                - Swaggy T

Be Comfortable

In the 9th grade, my shoe size went up to size 14. I was still about 5'7 at the time so it looked absolutely ridiculous. Every pair of shoes I got looked like clown shoes. Aside from just the outward appearance, there were other issues with my rapidly growing foot that made life more difficult. As some of you may know, most shoes that are released only come out in stores up to size 13. This also coincides with the early stages of my sneaker obsession so being a size 14 really limited my options and made it more of a hassle. I also feared that my foot would continue to grow. In 6th grade I went from a size 8.5 to an 11. By 8th grade I was a size 13. So I ultimately made one of the biggest decisions of my life and decided that this had to stop. I didn't want my foot to continue growing and I didn't want to live the life of an "extreme sizer" forever. So I backtracked. I forced my shoe back into a 13, much to the dismay of my mother who refused to embrace this decision and viewed it as you probably do, incredibly stupid. She said that she wasn't going to be a part of me deforming my feet and if I wanted to wear size 13 shoes I had to buy them on my own. So I did just that. Eventually it got to the point where she stopped bothering me about it, my feet stopped hurting and shoes weren't such a hassle to obtain. I did what I wanted to do, even though it made no sense to anyone else. And everything worked out for me. This drawn out, tangential tidbit is about more than just me defying the laws of nature for some sneakers. It just goes to show that at the end of the day, you have to do what makes YOU happy. You can't base your decisions on other people's opinions or desires. You have to live for you. You're the only one that has to/gets to live your life. At the end of the day YOU are impacted by your decisions more than anyone else is. And YOU are the person that is left to deal with the downfall or reap the benefits of whatever you decide to do. And in no way does that mean to completely disregard anyone else's advice. There are certainly people that have your best interest at hand and you need those people. If you're not listening it's impossible to learn. It's just vital to keep in mind that no one is as familiar with your heart as you are. You know what makes you happy, you know what you desire. Go get it. Along the way you'll learn that some people won't support it or be thrilled with it, but that's okay. You'll make yourself miserable trying to please everyone else. Like a defense that's facing Cam Newton, it's important to look out for number 1. Yourself. "If you never follow your heart, you're sure to lose your mind" - Trey Songz (on a Fabolous track) So take this and apply it to whatever it is that you want. Whatever it is that makes you happy, do it. Do what you've gotta do to be what you've gotta be. It's your job to make you the best you that you can be. You can't be at your best if you aren't happy. "I've gotta feel alive even if it kills me. Promise to always give you me, the real me" - Drake ... Be yourself. Love yourself. Live yourself. Find what you love and give your all to it, in all walks of life. You deserve it. A wise man once said "And be you that's when it sounds be-you-tiful" - Cole... So go ahead, squeeze your foot into those size 13's. You may be surprised at how great it feels. Be you. Be comfortable. 

#BeComfortable2016 

Dear Me, I Forgive You

I still haven't healed from my first heartbreak.

 I still think about it every waking minute of my life. I still haven't forgiven myself. I can't wait until the day basketball stops being on my mind every second of every day. I can't wait until the day I stop doing involuntary dribble moves with an imaginary ball through everyday settings. I probably look crazy. I just can't wait until I finally break free from this hold that basketball has over me. 

I still haven't healed from my first heartbreak... It just continues to get worse. No one understands how truly devastated I am and have been for years about basketball. I try not to talk about it. The worst part about it is being asked by strangers and even people close to me on a daily basis. Everyone wants to know if I play basketball. I'm asked multiple times a day, everywhere I go. I can't escape it. And every single time it hurts, no less than the time before, as I put a fake smile on my face and say 
"no, not anymore." 

That's normally followed by some variation of "oh wow but you're so tall, you're still young. You have to try!" Even customers that can't speak English tell me I should be playing basketball. The other day in Chipotle a cop said to me "God looks down at you and shakes his head in shame for you wasting all that height." He said it in a playful manner, didn't stop me from dying a little inside. It may seem like I'm being dramatic but just imagine having an ugly fallout with your ex and being asked about them everyday for 4 years by people you don't even know. 

The pain doesn't come from them asking though. No, the pain comes from my anger and disappointment with myself for being in love with something my whole life and having everything in front of me yet amounting to nothing. The pain comes from the fact that the end of this month will make 4 years since the last time I played a minute of basketball that meant anything. The pain comes from failure. 
And then I thought to myself, as always, about what this must symbolize. I thought about how this goes way beyond just basketball in my life. There are so many things I'm unhappy with myself for. So many areas in my life where I have failed miserably to reach my potential and how my anger at myself is what seems to keep me from moving on. 

Instead I end up inviting that pain to cut me even deeper. It isn't healthy, nor is it productive. 

If you're angry with someone you care about, your relationship won't progress while you're harboring those feelings. Same goes for your relationship with yourself. So I've decided to forgive myself. Or at least try to. A new year seems to be a good time to do that. If you're reading this you may want to as well. I'm not saying forget, just forgive. There's some area of life where you've let yourself down. Stop dwelling on it, you're not helping yourself. You're stuck on it. Forgive yourself, move on, and take the necessary steps toward improving so that you can begin to see some results. Chances are you're harder on yourself than anyone else could be. You have to learn to forgive yourself. Ever wondered why it's so easy to give advice to someone going through something but so hard to figure out your own problems? 

When you're in a stressful situation it's like a maze. You can't see the way out. Other people have a bird's eye view so your problem seems much more simple to them. If you stay in that maze beating yourself up for being in that maze, what progress can you possibly make toward getting out of it? Let it go, focus on trying to see that Bird's eye view. Find a solution instead of focusing on the problem. Forgive yourself, that seems like it may be the first step. 

Three things that keep me going: I am not where I want to be, I am not where I once was, I am not done... I forgive you, me.   


Don't beat yourself up... #ForgiveYourself2016

                   - Swaggy T

Follow Through

I can't whistle. Never could, and at this point I'll never be able to. It's never bothered me or anything. Didn't have any significant effect on my life. I got through 21 years just fine without it. I didn't even realize I couldn't. Until the other day at work I was ringing up a customer and he started whistling. Suddenly I thought back to when I was that 7 year old kid who wanted so badly to be able to whistle and would always ask people to teach him. They made it seem so simple but I just couldn't grasp the concept. So I gave up. Whistling didn't even cross my mind at any point afterward. Fast forward 14 years later and here I am a 21 year old standing in front of this customer and I still can't whistle. Something I once wanted so badly was just completely gone and given up on, to the point where it no longer matters. You're probably thinking this is incredibly trivial, and you're right. But to me this meant so much more than whistling. It's like I was having an epiphany in this moment standing before this customer trying to keep a smile on my face as I thought of all the other goals, dreams and desires I let slip away because they didn't work out the way I wanted them to when I wanted them to work out. I missed out on way more than being able to whistle. So many times I've had a desire to do something or develop a craft and just completely discarded the thought of it because it didn't work out. And then I began thinking about how there's no way I'm the only one. You're probably already thinking as you read this about something you once gave up on too soon. A lot of us are only satisfied with instant gratification, not everything works out that way. Blessings wear disguises as if everyday is October 31st, so you won't always pick up on them immediately. We've talked about shooting your shot, in all different areas of life. The importance of taking chances and doing what you want to do. But if you ask anyone who's ever played even a little bit of basketball, the most important part of a shot is the follow through. That also applies metaphorically. What good is shooting your shot if you don't follow through? If you want something, it isn't enough just to want it. Follow through and do what it takes to obtain it. Don't be so quick to give up on something or talk yourself out of chasing something you want because it doesn't work out right away. Or 14 years will pass you by and you'll realize you still can't whistle. You'll never win the title belt if you throw in the towel in the first round. "Find what you love and let it kill you" -  Charles Bukowski... in other words "What we gon do? Do it to death" - Busta Rhymes

Sometimes you just have to jump in the water like you aren't afraid to drown, that's essentially how you learn to swim. So whatever it is that you do, actually do it. Stop making excuses, stop giving up, stop putting it off. Embrace it head on. I don't really have a New Year's Resolution because I never follow through with them. So one thing I plan to work on this year is following through, that way I can be in position to actually have a resolution next year. It just feels like I've tried and wanted to do so many different things and I've done absolutely nothing. So many ideas and desires with nothing to show for it. As I get older, time seems to be moving faster. 2015 was the fastest year of my life. It's time to stop trying and start doing. A wise man once said "I've gotta make a move, I've gotta do this now. If they don't know your dreams, then they can't shoot em down" - J. Cole ... So shoot your shot, and leave your hand up to make sure it looks pretty for the highlight reel. You're more likely to have something to show for it if you follow through. Go get what you want. Contrary to what you may have heard, If You're Reading This It's Not Too Late. Another wise man once said "Water you waiting for?" 

      

- Swaggy T