Wordless

It's been too long since I've written something.
As I jot my opening line I feel a rhythm coming. I'm back in my element, these raps have been heaven sent. Exhibiting penmanship with spectacular elegance in an attempt to capture my excellence. I'll humble myself. I wrote about the storms and thunder I felt, and told my mom her son wanted help. Now I've recovered my health. I slightly hate every verse that I write now. Struggling through my thoughts in every verse that I write down. It's been a while since I finished a rhyme, I've been having trouble finishing lines. Extracting everything that's been on my mind. Shuffling for a sentence to find, getting comfortable cause my pen is divine. A little effort and focus and I can lecture the lowest. And let them know the rise is coming cause we're destined to know this. I'm just chasing my destiny. I tried to cook but lost sight of the recipe. I learned to only eat with the people who want the best for me. My life took a bit of a turn, and it's been stressing me. Stacking bread by planting the seeds like a sesame while wondering what's next for me. The man above keeps blessing me as life continues testing me.

I guess I write better when I don't think. Clear eyes, full heart and I won't blink. I'm so fly I wrote this while watching the air show. A couple classics to record, can't wait until you hear those. Writing it before I've got the beat, I've got a weird flow. Awkwardly delivered but it's something you can feel though. I fell in love with the pen. Once upon a time the love was intense, but now I'm coming up with nothing again. I'm trying to keep up as my thoughts are running again. It's putting a strain on me to give a hundred percent. So you're witnessing half of me, a lyrical catastrophe. Still bodying verses, this is the anatomy. I break it down and tear it apart. Dismembering these words as I'm unclear where to start. Chronically armed to do bodily harm, yet I'm giving life like a shot in the arm. My pen is an IV, it's never poisonous. Bold, brash and boisterous.  The voice for the voiceless, sick as choiceless appointments. Like church bells, this noise is anointed. Lyrical leg work, as I fiddle my pen first. A breath of fresh air. I break it down, I mince words.

Lately I'm having run-ins with reality. The sky's the limit, I'm tryna defy gravity as I write happily, another mind masterpiece. Writer's block's been shackling, life has kinda tackled me. I play the beat and then I open my notepad
That was irrelevant don't even know why I wrote that. I'm wasting lines between space in time. Feeling trapped inside this space of my mine, trying to pace my mind. I remember when I used to spit the greatest rhymes. I think I've still got it just gotta take my time. I remember when I used to lie and say I'm fine, look to God and pray for signs. And it seems like no direction is working, you've tried several. The lil homies that used to look up to you eye level and you really want to follow your heart but your mind meddles. So I focus on this lyrical dope that my mind peddles. The rose that grew from the concrete with divine petals and I told so many stories the flow's got like 9 levels. Pondering my life in thoughts while conquering my writer's block. I don't really know what to say, so I'll just write and talk. My confidence is shaken by the time that this has taken. I remember when writing a rhyme was second nature. Now I struggle through verses, I'm a recovering wordsmith. And it's feeling like until I am recovered I'm worthless.

24 Days

New note. Trying to focus my thoughts. A few notes in the past I wrote as I fought. Went through many battles to reach inner peace. Just to have someone tell me it's something I didn't reach. I know myself. So well that I wrote myself. A bunch of letters that didn't receive responses, I just wrote what helped. Got them off my chest as soon as I hit submit. Now I'm far from depressed, I've proven that I'm legit. A legitimate lyricist. Gifted and giving it. Pen is ridiculous. Steady, meticulous. Ready yet ignorant. Eyes closed, full heart. This is bliss.

I contemplate a return to narrative writing. I haven't been high in a while, mostly apParent compliance. Cause they don't want to hear that he's flying. I'd rather be left to my own devices, but now everyone else in my life has become so decisive. And I don't sleep straight through the night when I close my eyelids. They put a label on the way I am, I won't deny it. I've just always hated science and I'm tired of staying quiet.
I do my best to manage it,
I'm chasing bread, no sandwiches.
You may not understand this clip,
let's take it back to narrative.

A week later I'm sitting in my car passing time as I wait to take my little brother home from practice. Gathering my thoughts has become increasingly difficult so excuse me if I begin to ramble, as I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Or where to start for that matter. My life has been very blah lately. The most exciting thing that's happened is that I've gone back to work. I feel like a functioning member of society again so that's a positive. For a while the medication I'm on made it nearly impossible for me to do most things. With the pen I'm an artist but lately all I've been drawing are blanks. If you've read it regardless then I would like to offer my thanks. I'm so broke I hang up when I get a call from the bank.
      Indents of in debts, bugs me like insects. Just started working, now I'll pay my friends next. Weight with no shoulders, yet I've gotta bench press. Things aren't working out but I've gotten your interest. I guess that's worth something, cause I'm not worth much. I'm broke & I'm hoping these words are my crutch. So many people have not been in touch. I tell myself that's something not to discuss as I look in the mirror and say "it's just us".

That came off lonelier than it was supposed to. It's actually a good thing in my mind. It shows that I've gotten to the point where I'm not decimated by losing people. The people that were gone haven't returned and the person who got me through their absence is gone, yet I'm fine. Still not sure why the last one left. Won't use any names and won't get trigger Happy with aka's but I can no longer beat myself up trying to figure out what I did to people. That's not healthy. I've gotta look out for myself more than I was. Everyone has their own perspective and I've got to let them live with it. I spend so much time in the shoes of others but no one even tries on my size 13's.
I'm through breaking my toes.

8 days later I'm wrestling with trying to squeeze in a bike ride before my doctor's appointment. A side effect of my medication is weight gain. I'm in pursuit of a dollar as if I hate change. I watch the playoffs and fall asleep to the late games. A genius who got ahead of himself while trying to grab the bread from the shelf to escape all of the pressure he felt. Dug such a hole he felt he was in debt to himself, and he's been trying to launch endeavors as well. Being broke is the root of all evil, are you in heaven or hell? Burning question, trying to peddle myself. From lyrical dope to biblical quotes. Ran back to what I was missing the most, I lost myself and started drifting too close. I wonder if this is something that I'm willing to post. I'm hesitant to represent the thoughts inside my head again. I overthink, it's clear if you've read. I've been rambling so much I'm starting to fear what I've said. But at the same time I can murder this using words like superfluous. Extra, extra, read all about me. I try to accept reality, my dreams won't allow me.
I'm cursed by these verses, imperfectly perfect. Rehearsing my purpose as I search what my worth is. I'd much rather do my work as a wordsmith.

A couple of days later, I'm trying to wrap this up. I'm not sure if I should rhyme this last portion or not. I'm just trying to make up my mind as I'm pouring my heart. But I'm unsure where to start. I've got my thoughts overflowing and I readjust on a whim once I've lost where I'm going. A command on this banter, recurring rambling ranter who paints a picture with words that comes out clear as a camera. My parents asleep on the couch, so much I'm thinking about. Once I finish up this verse then I'll be tweeting it out. I wear my heart on my sleeve, right now I'm bleeding it out. I'm writing this with no clue of how the beat's gonna sound. If you're reading this, I love you. Even if we've had our differences. I'm sure I'm still the same me, I don't know what the difference is. Just a young kid who's been missing a couple friends of his, who shed a couple tears today when he got a text from Chris. Going too in depth with this, friendship's what the message is.  Sometimes you feel the freedom through tears, or hearing something you needed to hear. Just simply being aware. Thanks cause I needed you here.

Started this on the first day of the playoffs and it's almost the conference finals. 24 days in my head. I'm posting it without reading it so I don't take even more time. I hope I didn't say anything too wild. I've realized it's probably my fault I feel alone, and I'm doing a much better job of dealing with it. Thanks for everyone that's there even when I don't notice. Love.

The Fault In Our Bars

"If you're a writer, then write something"

Those words were ringing in my head the whole way home as my two favorite bags co-existed in the passenger seat. The Knicks just lost, it's not painful anymore though. I've polished off my Popeyes. Not much has changed. So when it comes to writing something I say, challenge accepted. This may not rhyme though. It doesn't have to. If you recall, there was a time when the blog never rhymed. Back at the time of its genesis. I actually told myself I was shutting the blog down for now. Letting it live forever as is, it's quite a story. It's done it's fair share of damage in my life and it also brought me many gifts. Life is all about perspective. This blog is one of the best decisions I've ever made. If you read back to the original post, I said it wouldn't change my life. I severely underestimated the power of an outlet. This was my sanctuary. This was my place to express myself freely. To talk to myself while speaking for others. I reached people I've never come in contact with. I became a voice for people in other states. It was such a great feeling to be understood and heard, even in my darkest days. I'm a very emotional individual. I feel things. I'm also very open, maybe too open. I expressed my joy openly and vividly depicted my depression. The blog got me through my depression. That's why I wrote it out so clearly. I self medicated through the pen. When I became overwhelmed, I wrote. Which is why I was able to walk away from the blog. To shut it down or at least give it a reprieve. I'm happy. I promise. I'm perfectly fine. If you're not sure, go back and read what it looks like when I'm depressed and you'll be able to see the difference. God's got me and I've got the pen. I promise I'll be alright. And when I'm not, I'll let you know. 

Work to be done

Somebody's gotta do it

Lyrical dope

Somebody's gotta move it

So now I've got 2 phones

I'm writing a new song

All about the green, I'm chasing bread like a crouton.

My height the tallest thing I tell a tale about 

My life in stories so dope that I ain't even have to scale it out

Pull the cameras out

I'm putting on a show

Just cause you hear about 

That doesn't mean you know

Apparent crisis left my life flipped

Right back as I write this. 

I'm out here painting lines like when Dre was working the night shift.

I was fighting for my own life so I deserve my own right. When depression took its toll I had to pay my own price. Pricelines, no travel agent. Write crimes, don't have to save them. No adulation. The use of my imagination conducive to the cash I'm chasing. Made it from blogging to music, this is my graduation. 

And as I cross the stage, elated that I'm off the pain. I was born to win so I'ma play until I've lost the game. The game of life, a couple crazy nights. First taste of the feeling of when I'd be getting paid to write. 

They say I was in a manic state so I'm about to annotate. Axis Power bars, the power to make the planet shake. I plan the tape with every hand I shake. Slow and steady, that's how I ran the race. 10 toes down, deep rooted to withstand a quake. 

Young, fly and wavy. They keep trying to clip my water wings. Saucy like I ordered wings, tryna be his daughter's king. Married to the pen, lyrically I'm like the Lord of Rings. Lately I've been off the scene, not too many talk to me. Living in my head, my most reliable source is me. But way too many thought for me when they ain't even talk to me. Setback a step back, shooting as if Shaun's Kareem. 

That's where a hook would go

I've got a slight fear that some things may just never feel the same. My biggest mistake apparently, I let them feel my pain. I was shedding tears of joy, felt it was cause for celebration. Until they grabbed their little boy, and put Shaun on medication.

Sixteen Hours

I started this verse on January 19th 8:59 p.m
Halftime of the Knicks game.

Melo went for 25 in the second
and I'm cooking up a rhyme to perfection. In these lines I give lessons
I'll be signed in a second.
Dedicate a craft, make your grind your profession. Tahj making sure that everything lit. Lyrical chopper ready to spit. I'm tired of people rapping about irrelevant shit. I gave a live report of my depression with this. Turned them into bars, the only way to get the messages sent. Forever equipped, never forget. Letters I licked, separated friends from the ship. Temples would clinch because of all the pressure I pinched. Started painting pictures I thought I would never depict. Right now I'm feeling like Melo might drop 50, cause in the second quarter he was not missing. So many bonds splitting, broke as hell but my stock's risen. How many can really talk visions?  I told you all of this just imagine what I did not mention. My thoughts scriptures and this life is what the Lord's gift is. And what I write is what the Lord's gifted. Upon me, I almost took it away. I be writing to free the things that I couldn't just say. I was saying I couldn't complain. But the devil had his foot on my brain. That was a pressure that just couldn't remain. I wrote about it cause I couldn't refrain. Now look at the dirt you put on my name. You used to love me for the way I was, now it seems you hate the love. We're living in a world where it seems like people hate to love. Picking up the pieces to my heart made me afraid of Love. Telling stories I should leave concealed, but I can't make it up.

And now the Knicks are down 10 toward the end of 3rd. I painted pictures with the pen that you once didn't observe.
But now I've pulled you into the story, I've made you a part of it. Writing to a beat and I'm placing my heart in it. Thinking of stopping it cause I'm missing the game. Tahj saying everything lit, I'm flicking the flame. And telling the world what's been on my brain. Won't be long before I get to the fame. He got the dollars and the kid didn't change, the type of shit that they'll say.
I'm in the future looking back, spitting lyrical mags. I'm serving food for thought to get to the cash.
I worked on my delivery
With murderous artillery
These words might be the end of me
These verses bring me synergy
I'm searching for the energy
While cursing at my memories.
My purpose is my penalty
I'm making instrumentals bleed.

And the Knicks just lost, that was painful, it hurt. This ain't a game, but I'm playing with words. I don't even know what to say in this verse. But everything I'm saying just works. Writing on the spot before recording so I don't have a way to rehearse.
I pass the joint, and let these raps anoint. Ball with the pen, I have a point. Speaking in my rapping voice.
Or maybe I'll just slow it down for a while. Switching it up to show the sounds of my style. This is something that was just found in the file. Lyrical dope stored in mountainous piles. Lyrical vault on the top of the dome. Rhymes deeper than the top of the chrome.
Search bars.
Dented as his first car
Ironic he healed by making letters of his worst scars
Better when this verse starts
Clever with his word art
Spreading so much love you would think he had a third heart.
Telling you the worst parts
Writing them the best though. My life's become a mess bro. Sat up in the chair cause I'm writing in my next flow. Mind racing. Ready, set, go. Follow me where my head goes. Plotting on the end zone. Back against the wall, it's 4th and 99. My mind becomes so cluttered that I'm forced to write a rhyme. Might be a rough draft, but I'm recording it this time. So I'm fortunate this time. Lost a fortune in my dime. It's funny, I find you when I get lost up in my mind. You've been running through it, running on it, skating by it. Funny, foolish. Something that I say in silence. Showing off how great my mind is. This is something that I should take my time with. I package these bars with delivery, great consignment. Fountain of Youth flow, what I state is timeless. I'm a prophet with these bars, they say that crime pays. I've been fighting the urge to write Lovesick for like five days. They're sitting out, they couldn't stand what he wrote. They fell apart, I was just trying to keep the family close.

Peace said sorry for leaving when I needed her help
Then told me never apologize for being myself.

I lost my train of, that thought's erased. Now I'm praying to make it home on a quarter tank.
Suspended thoughts beneath these words he's underlying. So much drive I'm worried about my license. Happiness I was hurrying to find it. Screaming in my head while scurrying in silence. Bars cold as mountain caps. Spit a flurry as I climb it (climate). I take the flow so high, it evaporates. You see I'm gifted when I rap this way. Lyrical diarrhea, call me Gaseous Clay. Punchlines make em wonder how I'm unsigned. Lost what was once mine. Lyrical artillery, I'm living on the frontline. I could never front, I'm just trying not to mess this up. I can't slow my thoughts down, this draft is getting rough. Rough drafts, cracked windows of opportunity. I speak these verses fluently while trying not to ruin things. I let my guard down, and you really got me. Cause I don't hold hands with just anybody. A lot on my mind, I'm thinking about the world. You relaxing and I'm running my fingers through your curls. Is this real, or realistic? Really, how real is it? It feels like you've never had it but somehow you still miss it. It feels like you've never had it but this time it feels different. I write a rhyme, she says she'll save it forever. Back of my mind, I know eventually she'll hate to remember. My thoughts run wild, like a mother who has her lost her child. I'm just trying to get them all compiled.
Flow so wavy I was writing in the seven seas, fuel to the fire took it higher than they ever seen. Telling my story, my life becomes a legacy. I was fighting my demons, now I'm battling my memories. xo's, let go, I guess they don't know what they meant to me. Is that a tic-tac flow? Or tic-tac-toe? A couple probably didn't get that though. Watch me switch that flow.
Take a look at my mind, you crossed it again. Behind bars, I get so lost in the pen. I think most clearly when I talk to my friends. But they haven't been near me and it's not making sense. I've been living through a series of unfortunate events. But every single time I leave the crib I hop in a Benz. And just my luck, I didn't get to record. I'm focusing my drive but I miss the accord. Consistency is shifting, see? Guess some were only meant to teach. Lessons I learned from sources I no longer get to reach. I'll remember it differently. In a year's time the only one who got a gift for me. The spirit of a symphony, these lyrics are my tendency. I didn't change a thing, you're just forgetting to remember me...

I take a pause on the beat
They applaud as I speak
10 toes down bouncing on the balls of my feet
16 hours in my mind now this song is complete.

I finished this verse on January 20th, 1:06 p.m
During my second bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios


                                                      - Swaggy T


http://cash.me/$ShaunGeddes

Happy Belated Wordplay

Told you I was writing them repentantly. Lyrical artillery, I'm crying in my infantry. My heart is on my sleeve, my mind is on the memories. Finally starting to see that you're not trying to remember me. What did I do to make you want to forget? Cause to me it seems I always gave you love and respect. One of few people I thought that I could trust in this test. And now our line of communication doesn't connect. I've got a lot on my mind, it's about to come off my chest. When I'd seem even a little hurt, you would be jumping to check. Now you don't send me nothing, a text. (This next line may make my mother upset) How could you abandon me when I was fucking depressed? Tears would fall when I'd succumb to the stress. So much pressure it felt like I was punched in the chest. Being hurt by people I want to protect. I was telling new women that I'm in love with my ex. And telling strangers that I didn't feel the love from my friends. While battling a depression I just wanted to end. But in that time, look at what I've done with the pen. And now look at this, I've done it again. Grab the beat, and punch it again. Swaggyspeaks, he doesn't pretend. It isn't done til it ends.

I can talk about anything when I write, you never know. I was missing on January 9th, Derrick Rose. I knew that day was special, but I tried to ignore it. And because of that, I missed something mighty important. Happy belated to Shamel, he's way more than a cousin. I've been distracted by people who change up but he doesn't. As soon as it hit me I called and apologized. Overwhelmed by epiphanies so often I start to cry. I've gotta face it, that is something I can not deny. I'm just such an honest guy.
So sometimes it's kinda sad when I write. I can't front, I want you back in my life. We can't seem to get the capacity right. You feel pushed away by this passion of mine. Cause when I get defensive I start attacking in lines. That's something that I don't have to deny, because to not see it I'd have to be blind. But in the moment I just rap and I rhyme, and tell a story that is actually mine. Our friendship's taken a tragic decline. I've been feeling like I'm back in a bind, but I don't think that I'm imagining signs. I just follow my heart on a quest to master my mind. Too often I reflect upon the past and rewind, because it's always on the back of my mind. Now every rap is refined. I gave a rib and now I'm back in my prime. Bury the hatchet and blow up, this masterpiece mine. This is the last of these lines.

10 toes down, I seem to outstand. Tim Halpert, spitting heat without fans. And I be talking too much when I think about Pam. And Pam could be you, or Pam could be her. Or Pam could be no one, Pam could be words. That's for God to know, and me to figure out. To Whom It May Concern, I hope I'm reaching you right now. Cause this is the only way that I can speak to you right now. It still doesn't feel like I can even tweet to you right now. But you're on my mind so much I even think of you out loud. I just want to say I'm sorry for my part in this. It may get kinda gory my heart's in it. Don't know the end to the story, I miss the start of it. That sounded better when I thought of it. This letter's getting lost a bit. Built a friendship way too strong to settle for the opposite.

Buried alive in this lyrical coffin, I've got sick rhymes. I'm about to finish The Office for the sixth time. Reminiscent reflection on when I started this time. Transplant transparency, I put my heart in this rhyme. From the bottom of my heart, this is top of the line. I would change it all back at the drop of a dime. That's something that's so uncommon to find. Now I've finished The Office, some people I've been missing since August. Weight on my chest, the shit was enormous. I couldn't ignore it. I'd like to send my thanks to any supporters. I was searching for my sanity, I really just lost it. Retrieving it was really important. I've been writing this for two days, I could've just forced it. I was dying to win a battle that I could've just forfeit. I was so broken that I couldn't afford it. I was trying to numb a pain that I once didn't acknowledge. It was running through my brain so much the pen was exhausted. I left my job trying to better my fortunes, I made a bet and I lost it. Look how much depression has cost him. It knocked me off of my path, time to get off of my ass. Last semester it cost me a class. Cause life was testing me and that was even harder to pass. Caused me to part with my past to the point where my heart had been smashed. I'm broker than broke, it cost me my cash. But I'm defeating the demons, toss em all in the trash. Lyrical artillery, I keep it all in my bag.
I need to receive an incentive for what I illustrate. I think I may have turned my depression into my demo tape. I was at my low point, I'm about to elevate. I got through my worst hours by focusing on my better days. Back on a level where I levitate. Made it through the pressure and kept my head on straight. I'm about to come into some dollars but I'll never change. I'm plotting on the social media lottery. I've been broke, it's been hard for me. Spilling this heart in me with pressure clogging up my arteries. All the stress was rough. I'm blessed, what's luck? Friday the 13th, my defense is love.



                                                    -Swaggy T

         

Ninth Day of The New Year

I need a distraction from what today is. So I'll just start rapping until the day ends.
Pictures that I illustrated
Lyrically demonstrated
Leveled up and levitated
Heavy like the pen is weighted
Rhymes so sharp, they penetrated.
Lost in bars, the kid's amazing. This heart I spill in paintings as I'm rehabilitating. Sores and scars that didn't change him. Used you as a shoulder a cry on, his were debilitating. And now I'm speaking on behalf of myself. And I know one day soon I'll see the cash and the wealth. Cause it's far more than a hobby, now I rap for my health. You probably wouldn't believe it but it actually helps. I turn my life into a motion picture as I capture myself. Trying to get my thoughts together, let me gather myself.

The 9th of January and you still ain't hearing from me. I've been fighting demons and you tried to take my spirit from me. And I don't get it cause I didn't do a thing to you. But it's clear to see that you've forgotten what I mean to you. Or maybe what I meant to you. Messages I send to you. I know that it sailed, I just miss your friendship dude. Going with the flow, doing what I'm meant to do. Ninth Day of The New Year and I ain't even mention you. That's wild to me. Surprisingly too far gone for the eye to see. Remember when my whip was bugged out, you would drive for me. When I was searching for inspiration you inspired me. In those dark parts of To Whom It's June, anytime I cried, you'd see. Very few people that I've ever shown that side of me. But I've been throwing punchlines while wrestling this pride in me. To Whom It May Concern, writing letters in my diary. Confused on what the truth was, but wouldn't say you lied to me. Bumping Hello, wondering why you didn't say goodbye to me.

I keep it real. So openly humble, you think it's arrogance. Flow so cold you feel the phlegm. Sick lines help me heal again. Ain't play college ball but lyrically, I'm All-American. I've got more credit on these rhymes than credits in school. I'm 22 years old, it's time to see my credit improve. Cause right now I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get my credit approved. I was barely treading water, now I'm dead in the pool. You knew exactly what was going on, I said it to you. To Whom It May Concern, these are letters to you. And if you've been reading them all you've seen these letters improve. And I love you for that, so much. Thank for letting me cry on you,
I don't have a shoulder.
Allow me to break it down  for you,
hold up.
This music industry sweet as
donuts
If I get into it I can
blow up
Now I'm writing and chopping the
flow up.
And I'm pacing around through the
kitchen.
And I can't wait until you can
listen.
Cause then you'll really see that I'm spitting. You know average rappers, you'll see that I'm different. The flow sick, you see the prescription. Through verses that are tweeted in pictures. The deepest descriptions, deep as the fishes. Been in the kitchen, I just washed a week's worth of dishes. Food for thought, and the meal's free. 11:41 AM, I think I'll make a grilled cheese. And my pops and I so close sometimes he's like my other brother. I'll run up on him when he comes home like "Why'd you eat my nutter butters?"
And I can never ever stress this enough, I love my mother.
I just got really happy, she brought bread and cheese. Welcome to the life of Swaggy, let him speak. He wrote in his cabin while setting sea. Right after making an EP out of 7 weeks. To Whom It's June a classic. Forgot how much I love Roaming Bars. Nautical Miles got kinda ugly, I started showing scars. The kid is wavy, no joke that's him, Noah's Ark. Some may be thinking "how many times is he gonna use that Noah bar?" And if you are, thank you so much for paying attention. And it really means I love you if your name has been mentioned. I'm done using names of those who complained, about being a part of the story. I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it probably gets gory. But is it really so bad that you're just choosing not to support me? There's gotta be something else, I don't know what I did. I tried it to make it clear that I love you, I hope that I did. I'm missing what it was cause I don't know what it is.
I lost you, you, and you. And I lost you and you again. Then I almost lost her, right before I lost them. And I didn't want to believe it but it's clear I've lost him. Then I lost 2 people in 1 person and lost it. I lost my girl and my best friend. After losing my best friend. I even lost my best friends twice over my best friend. Lost a brother  that I knew would be one of my best men. Lost a couple others cause they turned out to be slithered serpents. You can keep that $60 yo, it isn't worth it. Now I'm moving on, pay em no mind. It's really been a pretty long day in my mind. Spongebob with the burning hand, I let you observe the man. I'm probably saying way too much with these words again. The ninth day, I don't know what to do here. I only know Jalen's alive cause he tweeted happy New Year. I checked on you for weeks, you never replied. It was stressing me out but I kept it inside. No exaggeration, I was worried you died. Now I'm wondering what you were in a hurry to hide. Deeper than 6 feet, I'm feeling buried alive.

It's 9 days into the New Year. I'm wondering what to do here. Pictures I'm painting too clear. I can't do it, I'm too scared. And I'm sorry for the effect that May have on you. But you'll just be the next one to ruin it for who comes after you. Cause this don't really work for me. Hurting you is hurting me, so you've gotta understand that I would never do it purposely. I'm Michael Scott with the messages, send em urgently. My life is in orbit, I'm trying to plan it (planet) perfectly. A year's a long time. I've never had an anniversary. Losing my train of thought and just hoping that something works for me. This wordPlay is straight off the top, there's no rehearsing these. Progressing as this verse proceeds. Broke as hell, but church is free. God don't have a service fee. I'm praying as I'm searching tweets. Painting pictures personally, I hate the way this verse completes.

                                                                     -Swaggy T

I'm Nothing If I'm Not Honest

I made a Tumblr today. It's January but I've been thinking about summer in May. Is that this May or last May? Searching for direction, is it this way or that way? Another outlet to express myself. If I've got a problem, the pen can help. Writing my emotions is conducive to my mental health. The state of depression I'm in has got me pressing the pen. Don't want to jinx it, but I think I've gotten better again. Riding with the seat back so I can stretch in the Benz. My thoughts rising, what a clever ascent. Shaun's writing, the letters I sent seemed to lessen my friends. But I guess I've learned a lesson from them. Be careful who you give your all to. I gave my heart but they weren't as thoughtful. But hey, I've got more bars than law school. Fighting demons while writing entire verses of punchlines. Searching for just one sign. Mom trying to remove the darkness, she just wants to see her son shine. Depression and the pressure got me feeling like it's crunch time. I know that I've got what it takes, yet I'm unsigned.
You can't rush time, I watched and learned. This food for thought will be the death of me, pots and urns. I was patiently waiting, it was not my turn. But almost everything I once loved has not returned.
So now I'm hungry as hell. Time to show my mother her son can excel. And grace the cover of a double XL. I can't afford to buy a dream and I've got nothing to sell. Literally broke as a joke, my money's funny as hell. My conscience saying you should keep your love to yourself. Those people don't need you, they just wanted your help. Once they didn't need Shaun, they didn't want to see Shaun. I've been trapped behind these bars, now I'm yelling free Shaun. It's so hard to focus, I'm writing another three songs. Writing raps in freeform, can't another speak for him. Problem? Address me, Shaun. You know I never mean harm. It's my story I write, how can it ever be wrong?

I wrote a 16 at 4:00, Military time. Currently brandishing my lyrical artillery in lines. I'm on a mission so sometimes I get biblical in rhymes.
These verses tell a story,
these words can tell it for me
They're coming from the heart and it hurts
They're kinda gory.
The game needed life, I'm giving it blood.
See my drive? I'm an organ donor, I'm giving out love. No shoulders to spare but I can give you a hug. I'm overprepared, there isn't much I didn't discuss. In an effort to stand for others, I fell victim to trust. So many people switching it sucks. So many thoughts running through my head that racing to get them written is tough.
It's taking way longer to finish writing this thing than it's supposed to but my head is just in too many places.
People turning their back showing me too many faces. Broken trust got me feeling like the truth isn't sacred. Depression's a feeling I'm getting used to explaining. It overtakes my writing, I don't try to do this, it's draining. But even tragedy is art, the proof's in these paintings. Nothing's the same and that sucks when you aren't choosing to change things. Too much in my head so I'll just let it out. To Whom It May Concern, I'm writing letters now. Been writing for a while, I'm getting better now. Signs of life in my smile, I keep my head up now. But no one ever sees that in my head I frown. I never said a sound. Toes, ten are down. I once had a close knit circle, they haven't been around. I guess I'm the villain now. Might seem like I'm dwelling now. But I'm in pain, writing's what keeps the swelling down. I know he'll never switch up so I'm never letting Brendon down. I'm writing trying to keep up, these rhymes tend to spin my head around. Trying to clean my tweets up, I'm followed by my professor now. Word to Lil Dicky I'm trying to be professional. I'm pretty sure I'm lost on a tangent but I can't let up now. Mind is being sped up now. Rhyming as you read the sounds. Time has really stressed me out. Trying not to stretch this out. So much pain and punchlines I cried in what you read about. Writing just to let it out. Punchlines, my pen can pound. Touch lines, tennis fouls. Serving food for thought in a lunch line, I'm fed up now. Thank God for grilled cheese, I'm trying to get my bread up now. I've been lost in my head, take a look at what the pen has found.

I understand, the pressure's on my mind too. Deviate from the mean, never let em define you. Keep your head up and don't let them break you down because they'll try to. Limit extrinsic experiences' effect on what's inside you. Lyrics so poetic that you read them as a haiku.

          Wavy as typhoons
Spitting flames but my ride cool
         Painting in haiku


A timely 16, there's 8 up on the shot clock.
Now I'm spitting flames straight up out the hotbox.

This 16 is an AR
Here comes another great bar
If you pull the trigger it'll break your wrist, JR.
Kickback, step to me. We can trade bars. But don't call it a battle, cause we ain't dealt with the same scars. You ever felt like you had the light until it became dark? Ever felt like you had to fight the pairofsights in your brain off? Ever been unemployed and still searching for a day off? To lose yourself in a moment in hopes of making the pain stop. We ain't dealt with the same scars. I fell in love with a girl like you, I've got the same heart. So many people changed up on me, it didn't change Shaun. So much stress you worked 20 hours and quit your day job. And plenty looking from outside in thinking you're way off.
A couple people feel you yet even they don't know the half of it. Christmas just passed, what God gave me was this rapping gift. But I ain't have no gifts to wrap. Not much left to give in fact. But I've got these words and my heart, I can give you that. But I've gotta be careful. I know it's a handful. Cause I fell in love before. But that's over, it's cancelled. Viciously descriptive, I'll show an example. She did me dirty as the sole of her sandals.
I once thought her soul was enchanted now there's no second chances. So excuse me if I'm a pensive romantic. Pictures I paint are depressingly candid. 10 toes down as I step to my canvas. To elevate my point of view from elegant stances. Shorty turned into a witch, I should've left it in Kansas. Or maybe Kansas City, I'm mired in Misery. A State of depression that's trying to kill the kid in me. But I'll do it differently. Eight nine in Tennessee. I'm in the field trying to be a Titan of industry. Let me Cook, rhyming so endlessly, lose my mind in my memories. Devil trying to finish me. Asking God to replenish me. Writing these rhymes repentantly. Trying to find what's meant for me. Ayo, here's a message B. Something you may never C. You were a special friend to me, I'ma just skip the letter D. Your switch up has got my head on E. You "love" me but don't remember me. I've been feeling down and that's effed up, you switched your enerGy. I'll skip the HtoO, won't even talk about the tears. Am I talking to "my girl?" Or am I talking to my peers? I'm just talking to the world, so I let everybody hear. Now I've learned my largest lesson.
Don't think anybody cares.
You left me at a time I needed everybody near. Facing feelings of abandonment, depression, and my fears. I went from feeling prophetic here to feeling pathetic here. I loved my creating writing class because my professor cared. These writtens are my therapy. You switched up and it's clear to see that you're no longer there for me. I guess it's my fault for thinking that you cared for me. Picking up the pieces to my heart, so now I use it carefully.

Cause when you're not
theirs anymore
They're not
there anymore
And that makes it crystal that they do not care anymore.

Told you about a couple scars, there's plenty more. This verse is the one I didn't think that I was ready for.

You ever look back at a bond you shared and just be sad it's changing? But when it boils down to it, it's clear it's evaporating. When your brother crosses the stage and you aren't there for graduation. And he's starting his career, but you can't congratulate him. It's not the same, it's clear that it ain't. Ever been threatened on a mom when you shed tears at her wake? I didn't think so. So don't tell me how to handle my pain. I never canceled or changed. 10 toes down, I stand and remain. Thank The Lord that God's never got his hands full, I'm praying. I feel the demons trying to get their hands on my brain. I've been living under a dark cloud, I ran through the rain. I've been stuck in depression, but I'm nearing a change. I just write the things that I don't care to explain
when someone asks what's wrong with me. Been trying to be strong for weeks. In person I say I'm fine, but truthfully in these songs I speak. Battle scars, in these lyrics I've been fighting. Rhymes so real I shiver as I write this. A week ago I was ready to give up on this life shit. So much pressure was in my head that I wanted to pull my mind out. Not suicidal but I was thinking "do I wanna die now?" So many I can't call anymore, who do I dial now? Who can really handle the thoughts that I couldn't write down? I called Maiya and cried my eyes out. And she told me to take a timeout. My eyes are dry now. She figuratively talked me off the ledge,
speaking softly as she said
the things I didn't know I needed to hear.
That was last week, even last year.
And I've been feeling better since. Loading up these weapon clips. I've got enough bars to send the messages I never sent. It's effortless, that's evident. Sentimental sentences. Shouldn't ever mention this. You're sleeping on me, that meaning has been twirled. I miss when it meant me running my fingers through your curls. Now I only speak to you when I'm speaking to the world. Now it's pretty clear I'm speaking to "my girl". At least that's what she used to be. I guess she just got used to me. She don't see what she used to see. Now that she don't need a retweet, she doesn't have a use for me. I'm just speaking truthfully, sharing my heart profusely. I gave my heart to so many people, now they're reducing me. But it's all good cause I'm bred thorough, I'm a newer breed. I'll repeat it for you to read. I'm the shit, I'm manure breed. This wordplay is child's play. Wrote this for two days, Thursday and Friday. Flow so sick that some would say it's toxic. Painted pictures of my pain, suffering as an artist. Talked about so much I don't even know what to call this. Told you everything, I'm nothing if I'm not honest.

                                        - Swaggy T
http://cash.me/$ShaunGeddes