I'm Nothing If I'm Not Honest

I made a Tumblr today. It's January but I've been thinking about summer in May. Is that this May or last May? Searching for direction, is it this way or that way? Another outlet to express myself. If I've got a problem, the pen can help. Writing my emotions is conducive to my mental health. The state of depression I'm in has got me pressing the pen. Don't want to jinx it, but I think I've gotten better again. Riding with the seat back so I can stretch in the Benz. My thoughts rising, what a clever ascent. Shaun's writing, the letters I sent seemed to lessen my friends. But I guess I've learned a lesson from them. Be careful who you give your all to. I gave my heart but they weren't as thoughtful. But hey, I've got more bars than law school. Fighting demons while writing entire verses of punchlines. Searching for just one sign. Mom trying to remove the darkness, she just wants to see her son shine. Depression and the pressure got me feeling like it's crunch time. I know that I've got what it takes, yet I'm unsigned.
You can't rush time, I watched and learned. This food for thought will be the death of me, pots and urns. I was patiently waiting, it was not my turn. But almost everything I once loved has not returned.
So now I'm hungry as hell. Time to show my mother her son can excel. And grace the cover of a double XL. I can't afford to buy a dream and I've got nothing to sell. Literally broke as a joke, my money's funny as hell. My conscience saying you should keep your love to yourself. Those people don't need you, they just wanted your help. Once they didn't need Shaun, they didn't want to see Shaun. I've been trapped behind these bars, now I'm yelling free Shaun. It's so hard to focus, I'm writing another three songs. Writing raps in freeform, can't another speak for him. Problem? Address me, Shaun. You know I never mean harm. It's my story I write, how can it ever be wrong?

I wrote a 16 at 4:00, Military time. Currently brandishing my lyrical artillery in lines. I'm on a mission so sometimes I get biblical in rhymes.
These verses tell a story,
these words can tell it for me
They're coming from the heart and it hurts
They're kinda gory.
The game needed life, I'm giving it blood.
See my drive? I'm an organ donor, I'm giving out love. No shoulders to spare but I can give you a hug. I'm overprepared, there isn't much I didn't discuss. In an effort to stand for others, I fell victim to trust. So many people switching it sucks. So many thoughts running through my head that racing to get them written is tough.
It's taking way longer to finish writing this thing than it's supposed to but my head is just in too many places.
People turning their back showing me too many faces. Broken trust got me feeling like the truth isn't sacred. Depression's a feeling I'm getting used to explaining. It overtakes my writing, I don't try to do this, it's draining. But even tragedy is art, the proof's in these paintings. Nothing's the same and that sucks when you aren't choosing to change things. Too much in my head so I'll just let it out. To Whom It May Concern, I'm writing letters now. Been writing for a while, I'm getting better now. Signs of life in my smile, I keep my head up now. But no one ever sees that in my head I frown. I never said a sound. Toes, ten are down. I once had a close knit circle, they haven't been around. I guess I'm the villain now. Might seem like I'm dwelling now. But I'm in pain, writing's what keeps the swelling down. I know he'll never switch up so I'm never letting Brendon down. I'm writing trying to keep up, these rhymes tend to spin my head around. Trying to clean my tweets up, I'm followed by my professor now. Word to Lil Dicky I'm trying to be professional. I'm pretty sure I'm lost on a tangent but I can't let up now. Mind is being sped up now. Rhyming as you read the sounds. Time has really stressed me out. Trying not to stretch this out. So much pain and punchlines I cried in what you read about. Writing just to let it out. Punchlines, my pen can pound. Touch lines, tennis fouls. Serving food for thought in a lunch line, I'm fed up now. Thank God for grilled cheese, I'm trying to get my bread up now. I've been lost in my head, take a look at what the pen has found.

I understand, the pressure's on my mind too. Deviate from the mean, never let em define you. Keep your head up and don't let them break you down because they'll try to. Limit extrinsic experiences' effect on what's inside you. Lyrics so poetic that you read them as a haiku.

          Wavy as typhoons
Spitting flames but my ride cool
         Painting in haiku


A timely 16, there's 8 up on the shot clock.
Now I'm spitting flames straight up out the hotbox.

This 16 is an AR
Here comes another great bar
If you pull the trigger it'll break your wrist, JR.
Kickback, step to me. We can trade bars. But don't call it a battle, cause we ain't dealt with the same scars. You ever felt like you had the light until it became dark? Ever felt like you had to fight the pairofsights in your brain off? Ever been unemployed and still searching for a day off? To lose yourself in a moment in hopes of making the pain stop. We ain't dealt with the same scars. I fell in love with a girl like you, I've got the same heart. So many people changed up on me, it didn't change Shaun. So much stress you worked 20 hours and quit your day job. And plenty looking from outside in thinking you're way off.
A couple people feel you yet even they don't know the half of it. Christmas just passed, what God gave me was this rapping gift. But I ain't have no gifts to wrap. Not much left to give in fact. But I've got these words and my heart, I can give you that. But I've gotta be careful. I know it's a handful. Cause I fell in love before. But that's over, it's cancelled. Viciously descriptive, I'll show an example. She did me dirty as the sole of her sandals.
I once thought her soul was enchanted now there's no second chances. So excuse me if I'm a pensive romantic. Pictures I paint are depressingly candid. 10 toes down as I step to my canvas. To elevate my point of view from elegant stances. Shorty turned into a witch, I should've left it in Kansas. Or maybe Kansas City, I'm mired in Misery. A State of depression that's trying to kill the kid in me. But I'll do it differently. Eight nine in Tennessee. I'm in the field trying to be a Titan of industry. Let me Cook, rhyming so endlessly, lose my mind in my memories. Devil trying to finish me. Asking God to replenish me. Writing these rhymes repentantly. Trying to find what's meant for me. Ayo, here's a message B. Something you may never C. You were a special friend to me, I'ma just skip the letter D. Your switch up has got my head on E. You "love" me but don't remember me. I've been feeling down and that's effed up, you switched your enerGy. I'll skip the HtoO, won't even talk about the tears. Am I talking to "my girl?" Or am I talking to my peers? I'm just talking to the world, so I let everybody hear. Now I've learned my largest lesson.
Don't think anybody cares.
You left me at a time I needed everybody near. Facing feelings of abandonment, depression, and my fears. I went from feeling prophetic here to feeling pathetic here. I loved my creating writing class because my professor cared. These writtens are my therapy. You switched up and it's clear to see that you're no longer there for me. I guess it's my fault for thinking that you cared for me. Picking up the pieces to my heart, so now I use it carefully.

Cause when you're not
theirs anymore
They're not
there anymore
And that makes it crystal that they do not care anymore.

Told you about a couple scars, there's plenty more. This verse is the one I didn't think that I was ready for.

You ever look back at a bond you shared and just be sad it's changing? But when it boils down to it, it's clear it's evaporating. When your brother crosses the stage and you aren't there for graduation. And he's starting his career, but you can't congratulate him. It's not the same, it's clear that it ain't. Ever been threatened on a mom when you shed tears at her wake? I didn't think so. So don't tell me how to handle my pain. I never canceled or changed. 10 toes down, I stand and remain. Thank The Lord that God's never got his hands full, I'm praying. I feel the demons trying to get their hands on my brain. I've been living under a dark cloud, I ran through the rain. I've been stuck in depression, but I'm nearing a change. I just write the things that I don't care to explain
when someone asks what's wrong with me. Been trying to be strong for weeks. In person I say I'm fine, but truthfully in these songs I speak. Battle scars, in these lyrics I've been fighting. Rhymes so real I shiver as I write this. A week ago I was ready to give up on this life shit. So much pressure was in my head that I wanted to pull my mind out. Not suicidal but I was thinking "do I wanna die now?" So many I can't call anymore, who do I dial now? Who can really handle the thoughts that I couldn't write down? I called Maiya and cried my eyes out. And she told me to take a timeout. My eyes are dry now. She figuratively talked me off the ledge,
speaking softly as she said
the things I didn't know I needed to hear.
That was last week, even last year.
And I've been feeling better since. Loading up these weapon clips. I've got enough bars to send the messages I never sent. It's effortless, that's evident. Sentimental sentences. Shouldn't ever mention this. You're sleeping on me, that meaning has been twirled. I miss when it meant me running my fingers through your curls. Now I only speak to you when I'm speaking to the world. Now it's pretty clear I'm speaking to "my girl". At least that's what she used to be. I guess she just got used to me. She don't see what she used to see. Now that she don't need a retweet, she doesn't have a use for me. I'm just speaking truthfully, sharing my heart profusely. I gave my heart to so many people, now they're reducing me. But it's all good cause I'm bred thorough, I'm a newer breed. I'll repeat it for you to read. I'm the shit, I'm manure breed. This wordplay is child's play. Wrote this for two days, Thursday and Friday. Flow so sick that some would say it's toxic. Painted pictures of my pain, suffering as an artist. Talked about so much I don't even know what to call this. Told you everything, I'm nothing if I'm not honest.

                                        - Swaggy T
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