I'm playing my cards, in need of a deal. Couldn't formulate
what I was thinking, now I speak what I feel. As I look back upon a time where
I needed to heal, cause I wasn't hearing the things that I needed to hear, in a
time where I would write, but no beats would appear. The time I didn't feel
like anybody needed me there. Where only my fear of suicide was keeping me
here. Normally avoid this time in my mind but lately creeping in here. Yeah
lately I've been visiting pretty frequently here. Every time I open this closet
there's more demons in here. Cause every time I come back, there's more secrets
in here. So I get em off my chest, now they're secrets to hear, they once
clouded my head, now they're seeping through ears. And I swear every time you
hear me speaking this clear, another demon disappeared. "Kept my talent
locked away in my closet with all those skeletons and demons but they won't
stop it. A genius that had to sell his clothes at Plato's Closet."
I'm spilling way too much of my heart, it's like my nose
bleeding. I was just treading water but then the flow deepened.
Paused here to write a part of the next verse, yeah I'm
gambling, I'm on a tangent and rambling,
dam my thoughts are too loud. Let me get back to the first thing I was talking
about. Where only my fear of suicide was keeping me here. Where I just wasn't
as happy as the tweets would appear, and my parents weren't around me so my
peeps weren't aware. The only love that I could feel would have to be from my
peers. See the year before that it was Tyaire, Darien, Brendon and Shaun. But
this semester Tyaire, Darien and Brendon were gone. And I didn't know I needed
love so I wasn't looking for it, when the kid ain't have a home and there was
no home cooking for him. And even when he locked himself away in his room for 4
days and there was no one looking for him, until Darren, Dre and Devontaye burst
into the door, saw them demons and took him from em. In case you're wondering
about the gamble I took earlier I paused here. That's why I'll always love
those guys, yeah that's my squad there. Because I know without them, I am
probably not here. I swear they'll always be my brothers, even though I'm not
theirs. Had a talk with my mom about the bonds a frat tears and I just couldn't
help but cry and think "it's really not fair". And now it's starting
to seem like they really do not care. They may never even see this, ain't
reading my blogs, dam. Feeling stumped as the Greek family tree leaves me in a
logjam. I slipped back on the tangent, aww man. I just did a thank you in 3D,
oh I can't believe I missed her. Became more than my best friend, forever Francesca
is my big sister. Cause there was a point where the only time I'd ever feel
love was with her. Currently drowning in tears, it's really deep for me. Cause
when I couldn't find a home in my heart, hers would beat for me. I love her
forever, we ain't blood but I know she'd bleed for me. One of few people who
didn't birth me who would do whatever I need for me. When I didn't have a ride
to get food, she was feeding me. And that's why she deserves the world, she's a
queen to me. While I'm talking about this time, the people and what they mean
to me, I'll scratch the surface of a friendship that's way deeper than it seems
to be. Dam, I'm crying again. I'll get back to where I left, becoming right
with the pen, through the things I write with the pen with no strike of the
pen. Sitting behind this canvas and painting my life's image. I'm forever with
the pen, every bar is a life sentence. Off track, did it just cause I, now
where was I? I'll scratch the surface of a friendship that's way deeper than it
seems to be. I'll love him far beyond the days we have kids of our own. I'll
never forget the nights I cried to Chris on the phone. And told him about how I
felt like I was missing a home. When everything I was doing seemed like I was
doing it wrong, he was one of very few people that would listen to Shaun. When
I was writing about my pain, he would listen to songs. If I tweeted something
dark my fingers could count how long it took him to call. That's love, love I
didn't know I was looking for. That's the love I was granted but didn't know I
took it for. And when it comes to granted I'll always feel like I took her for
it. Sheli was one of 3 people at home who knew that something was wrong and
she's up next. Back then I ignorantly reduced her love to "she's obsessed"
but when I locked myself in my room, stopped tweeting, ignored calls and my
inbox she felt my stress. Didn't even follow him at the time but she needed
someone to check on me so she hit up Chris. And as I think about that time I
get so upset because she had a big heart, it was double X. She was kind and I
was stupid. I tear up as I remember that she cried when I reduced her. But I
think now she finally understands that at that time, I would've ruined her. And
if you didn't you just read the words Sheli, it's set in stone. She's the
second description, I said there with three at home. Now at this point we had
fallen off a little, communication wasn't too strong. But she only had to talk
to me once cause at this time she really knew Shaun. Ended up telling her I
felt like my parents couldn't love me, and she replied "they do Shaun.
They would never stop loving you because you don't do well in school Shaun. No
matter how down you are they'll never give up on you Shaun." But that was around
the time I thought they wish they had a new Shaun. They built me up perfectly
and I didn't pan out, they can't redo Shaun. I guess I have something in common
with that other chick after all, I blew Shaun. But stick to your guns bro,
don't become a new Shaun. You're getting off track. Remind me, what were you
on? Ahh yes, Ashley. She hates me, loathes me and gets mad at me. But way back
when, she had it bad for me. Since then, love she's always had for me. Sometimes
I feel like she's bad for me, my mom says we act so dramatically. But still
have that bond where if she's at the crib I don't tell her to leave so my dad
won't see. I know that I try not to brag on these but I'm feeling like this is
a masterpiece. But I can't stop here, haven't covered enough, let me add a
piece. See the year before that it was Tyaire, Darien, Brendon and Shaun. But
this semester Tyaire, Darien and Brendon were gone. But Dre was my guy from the
jump, that was my homie. Our bond is realer than rap, never phony, so anything
that I ever give him, he doesn't owe me. See housing was full, and I was
mortified. He told me not to sweat it and told me his dorm was mine. The 5th
roommate in a room where there were only 4 provided. They treated me like
family so we were all excited. But I knew I was a burden even though they all
denied it. Though they never really showed it, I knew they all would hide it.
It was the elephant in the room when they all were quiet. They treated me like
a roommate, it was such an honor yo. At the time where the one thing I was looking
for was home, as I was stuck on that waiting list. On those late nights when I
didn't have keys, Dre gave me his. At the time where the one thing I was
looking for was home, when I needed people around me to feel I was not alone.
Dre, Dani and Josh taught me that handshake no matter how far it goes. Getting
things off my chest, now my heart is exposed, but I've gotta open up to put my
heart in these flows. On a tangent once again, it's like I start then I go. Let
me take you to a time where I was locking a door. See I went up there with
nothing and no ride to the store because my parents kept my whip, I couldn't
drive anymore. Didn't have keys to anything, a dorm, a room or a house. Then Dre
and Q12 let me spend two months on their couch. And I've gotta write about
shorty, I really can't forget her. She was popping and kept me on my toes like
a blister. That bond we shared is spoken by way more than words can show in
that picture. I realize things got way worse after I dissed her. Because she
was my left hand, I cut her off then my wrist hurt. But to this day no matter
how far we fall out I'll always tell Marissa I miss her. Okay so now I'm locking
doors, I've got the key to an apartment. I thought the storm was over, this is
when it started. I felt so dependent and so isolated. You hear that combination
and you could see why I'd hate it. See back then Darren and I grew close
quickly but now I'd seen he was legit. Cause he'd find a way to my crib even
though neither of us whipped. Because he wanted to, it was by any means for
him. But looking back I think it was because he knew I really needed it. But he
never knew the extent. Nobody ever did. Ben and Andy did the same thing, I
remember it. But if you don't tell em they'll never know how much it meant.
That time without them, man it wouldn't have been too safe, countless hours
sitting on the couch, playing 2k. On those long nights, they helped me make it
to a new day. You'll never know how much you helped me, yeah I'm talking to you
Taye. You went from a kid I hooped with with the funny accent, to exactly the
friend I needed. It's like it was magic. Realized what was going on and started
giving me rides daily so I wouldn't be alone and perpetually isolated. But nah
it wasn't magic, I know it was God's placement. I locked myself in my room, but
you didn't allow me. Started bringing everyone over because I needed people
around me. I was drowning in the deep when you found me. And that's why the
love for my team is so real, because they showed me love when that was all I needed
to feel. Even though it seems they're fading, I'm just keeping it real. They
were the bandage of brothers at the time I needed to heal. It's not even their
fault, I just happened to leave. So the things that happened to them never
happened to me. And in addition I can't forget Jarrett and Steve. They all
helped me escape a time I couldn't imagine or dream. When I locked myself in my
room and I was trapped with my screams. I didn't know I was looking but I had
the love, the more demons I subtract, the more everything is adding up. But too
many tears are falling so I think it's time to wrap this up. I finally found a
shoulder to cry on, I wish the pad could hug. I was at my weakest when I was
acting tough, but now I'm strong enough to realize that I don't have to bluff.
I said there were three at home, what a neglectful mistake, just realized about
that time I first connected to Wave. And I know that it's real cause she hasn't
left to this day. And that goes for every name I dropped, they're why that pain
had stopped. They're all still around, even if they're not around. My spirits
seem to be lifted up every time my guard is down. Still in my heart, even
though they're not in town. I think some of em are aware that they changed my
life, but they didn't understand that they saved my life.
3 am in the Benz,
tears leaking, my eyes closed. Looking back on those dark times at Florida Gulf
Coast. Been sitting in this car for hours, where did the time go? I'd say this
isn't a rap, but look what do I know? The rhymes became more organic once I
wrote them as blog posts.
-Swaggy T
❤️
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