They weren't connecting with the kid, but then they switched
over. Cause I gave em my whole heart, and the leftovers. I gave em all the
things in my head that I stressed over. I gave em all the things I had once
been depressed over, the things from the time where I couldn't have sex sober
and I didn't have a home so I couldn't have friends over. The things about
where my money was funny, like dam my ends over. The time where I was
influenced by Cole selling that Range Rover and the happiness that I explained
by telling them "yo that pain's over". My homies down to earth, we
all moving on the same orbit. My homies travel minded, down to kick it through
insane borders. That means even if things get Messi, we will remain forward.
That's a striker flow, she never met another like me bro, but she's feeling
what I'm striking though and she feel it a little more every time I strike it
yo. Man I'm talking about the strike when I'm writing flows. With the strike of
the pen, dam I'm writing again. I know dam well she'll like it again. About
them days she might be a friend, and I'm praying that she's still around cause
I know dam well my life will ascend. Upon this gift my life will depend. A life
that I once wanted to end. But I swear I won't want that again. And since
embracing the real is crippling my will or want to pretend, I'm sorry mom, I be
smoking blunts with my friends. Now before you run up in my room acting out
this movie's next scene, please hear out what I was building while waiting on
y'all to catch me. Didn't know who would catch me, thought it'd be dad first.
But you be thinking I'm drinking and yo, alcohol's mad worse. Never took a hit
til college, and I looked up the facts first. Cause I had seen what drugs could
do, saw ________ go down that path first. And I know that troubles you, I'm so
sorry, cause that hurt. And you're gonna talk to me but you're gonna call dad
first. Gonna call him from your office like you don't care that he's at work.
And say "I couldn't believe he just put it in that verse." But you be
thinking I'm drinking and yo alcohol's mad worse. Never took a hit til college,
and I looked up the facts first. Pen game on lock, but I'm packing the
password. Sorry I got distracted by how I ended that last verse. Accidentally wrote the next verse in my head,
I think it's on my mind again. 2:42, I still got a lil time to spend, it's much
safer for me to smoke than to drink heinekens. Lost myself in the conclusion,
3:11 I finally find the pen. Jogging my own memory, running through my mind
again. The verse I lost in my head, man here goes nothing, here goes something,
so real it leaves your ear buds buzzing. These bars have become so raw, you can
feel one coming. I didn't lose myself, just had to stall with the pen while I
scrambled to recover what was lost in my head. So when you'd say please don't
ever do it, it would hurt way too much. But it's not a gateway drug, it's the
only one I ever touch. I'm not out here experimenting just to be obnoxious. I
did extensive research for this, I was supremely cautious. I don't take any
chances, I never even trusted adderall. I highly doubt you're gonna read this
and not be mad at all. But if you look you'll see it's way less harmful than
alcohol. So in a way I hope that you're relieved when you find this, cause you
were under the impression I was drinking and driving, that's much worse. Don't
really care much for alcohol, cause the fun hurts. And then before it ever gets
better it must become worse. I've been writing this letter so long that I think
my thumbs hurt but please understand I'll always take care of your son first.
No rash decisions, moving with mad precision. There's no disaster hitting. I'm
thinking safety first, I promise no crash collision. And even though I've gotta
go, I can always come back and visit. I went from being unable to see, to now I
have a vision. How ironic I went to church, and now I'm on a mission. It hurts
to tell you but it was hurting more to hide how I'm living. Coming home afraid
to even turn on the light in the kitchen, walk up the stairs light as a pigeon.
Or in the car waiting to be sure you're asleep, so I write as I'm sitting.
That's been a very productive writing position. (If you don't understand that
now, you'll get it right at the ending) I knew I would tell you, but I thought
you would ask first. Pen game on lock, Mary gave me the password. I see more
clearly and write better on those days. And believe it or not, it's made those
headaches go away. Now I'm free to dream and focus on better days. Been free
writing way too long, I'm focused on getting paid. That little girl inspired me
although I forget her name. Beyoncé ain't the only one to make millions off
Lemonade. But look mom, I love you. I'm sorry if you don't like this. But the
longer I didn't tell you, the more I felt I was lying.
Life is chess, you're my queen. I can not replace you. I
know that you're concerned with how my blog portrays you. You gave me life and
a great one, I can not repay you. Remember when you said you couldn't wait for
the day I saw that I am greatness? The best part of this letter is "Look
mom, I made it" Cause I just had to tell the truth, that I am not an
angel. But I can assure you that I am not in danger. You gave me life and a
great one, I can not repay you. That's why I'm sending this to you before my
blog displays it. Because if you just say the word, I will not display it. So
if you're reading this right now, you owe my mom a thank you. I'm on here
directly telling my mom about things I never even tweeted. So everything I
speak, you know you can believe it. Right now I'm giving you my heart, that's
why you know I'm bleeding. Posting things that I want to delete before they're
ever seen. Because of what I said to my mom, it might set a scene. Her busting
in my room door, letting out a deadly scream and punching me in my head so
hard, that my neck would scream. Telling me "boy get out my house,"
quite aggressively "You think that you gon be up in here disrespecting me?
Just the thought of you doing those things is vexing me." I'm sorry mom,
I'm getting way too comfortable with the pen, you see. But I can't stop myself
cause I'm trying to write my legacy. Right now I'm giving you my heart, that's
why you know I'm bleeding. Done with the part that was talking to my mom, now
it's you I'm speaking with. You can trust me but you can't tell me nothing
cause apparently I've completely lost my ability to keep a secret. You can
trust me but you can't tell me nothing cause I wrote a whole song about what
was going on as I was playing Sequence. You can trust me but you can't tell me
nothing, cause you just read the moment that I told my mother about the weed
clips. You can't tell me nothing, now the rhymes are getting more egregious.
Real humble kid, but I've been feeling like my writing's genius. You can't tell
me nothing, bars are colder than precincts. You can't tell me nothing, your woman
crush in my recents. You can't tell me nothing, I'm telling you all my secrets.
Once I told you how many, so many will try to read this. See the secrets, they
just ride with the wave, I make it flow well. Gotta go way back to catch em,
like Odell. My only fear was that I'd run out of secrets. Like Trump voters, I
told 12. And still there's one of those secrets I'm praying I won't tell. Cause
if I told it right now I don't think it would go well. 3 AM in the Benz, okay I
guess it's that time again. The blog posts got more organic when I decided to
rhyme with them.
-Swaggy T
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